NEW 4/19/99

Top 10 Reasons to Surf the Net

  1. The pure enjoyment of pornography.
  2. Shopping, the goal is to spend more then your hourly wage on company time and bandwidth.
  3. Search for totally useless facts to stump and amaze your co-workers.
  4. Seek out investment opportunities in hopes you strike it rich, by the company and shut down your bosses access to the internet.
  5. Pornography, just see if it's really on the net, really just curiosity.
  6. To find and download non-standard applications that will conflict with the standard applications imposed by the IS Department, because the IS department wouldn't let you install Quake on the servers.
  7. See if you can find a site that's been hacked, before the owner knows it's been hacked.
  8. To locate anonymous servers that let you visit pornographic sites your coworkers can't because of block imposed by the IS Department.
  9. See how many times you can find your name on the net and in how many different countries.
  10. To download (a.k.a. pirate) graphics for your own personal page you ftp to your ISP on the company T3.

Been Around

Top 20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

  1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
  2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
  3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with bodily function noise.
  4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
  5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
  6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
  7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
  8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
  9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
  10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew>Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
  11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
  12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
  13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
  14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about>Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
  15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
  16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
  17. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
  18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
  19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
  20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

Top Ten Absolutely, Positively, Ridiculous Host Names

  6. tragically.hip.

Top Ten Signs You Should Spend Time Away from Computers

(AKA, you need to get a life)
  1. Every time you drown, Philippe Kahn's life passes before your eyes.
  2. You can't remember the last time you went out with your buddies and got seriously defragged.
  3. You turn down dates because you have to clean your Windows directory tonight.
  4. As your significant other is walking out on you, you plead "Can't we just do a clean boot?"
  5. When you don't agree with people, you keep saying NAK at them.
  6. Your life has lost its meaning since Intel and Microsoft announced Plug and Play.
  7. 900 numbers? never touch 'em>But you've racked up $2,500 in IRC connect-time bills this year.
  8. The Microsoft Natural Keyboard seems like a pretty neat idea.
  9. You get more than half the jokes in this list.

Top 20 Valujet Advertising Slogans

  1. Valujet: because real men land where they want
  2. Fly Valuejet>Find out if there really is a God
  3. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots
  4. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks>We try to get as close as possible for the best view
  5. Bring a bathing suit
  6. Valuejet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us
  7. Valuejet: We may be landing on your street
  8. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose
  9. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
  10. You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!
  11. The kids will love our inflatable slides
  12. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you
  13. Complimentary champgne during free-fall
  14. Are our engines too noisy? Don't worry, we'll turn them off
  15. Our staff has lots of experience consoling next-of-kin
  16. Ask about our out of court settlements
  17. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section
  18. Join our frequent near-miss program
  19. Valujet: We're Amtrak with wings
  20. Valujet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you


Created: 17-July-1998, Last Updated: 12-April-199

© 1998.

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