Revised Retirement Policy
TO: All Employees
RE: Revised Retirement Policy
As a result of the reduction in money budgeted for divisional purposes, we are going to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our furture plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be know as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R.A.P.Ed will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system. Provided that they are bing R.A.P.Ed, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.Ed or S.C.R.E.Wed may also apply for a trial service. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study of Higher Authority Following Termination). Progress policy dictates that employees may be R.A.P.Ed once and S.C.R.E.Wed twice, but they may get the S.H.A.F.T. as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If employee files above requirements, he will be entited to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earning of Retired Persons Employment Service). H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a bonus plan, as the employee can no longer be R.A.P.Ed or S.C.R.E.Wed by the company.
SIGN UP FOR ADDITIONAL TRAINING
It is now and always has been the policy of the company to ensure employees are well-trained through our special high intensity training (S.H.I.T.) program. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our Management is especially trained to assure you that you will get all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
NOTE: Early retirement personnel may get assistance for immediate displacement service (A.I.D.S.). Since A.I.D.S. has serious implications, one should request this assistance only once.
camilian since 1-May-1998
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