Webmistress' Note--I would be very interested in additions or updates to this list.


If Operating Systems Were Beers

Requires you to use your own can opener and to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally it only came in an 8-ounce can, but now comes in a 16-ounce can. However, the can is divided into eight compartments of 2-ounces each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

At first it came only in a 16-ounce can but now comes in a 32-ounce can. Considered by many to a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is no on the can, if you call to ask about the ingredients you're told that "you don't need to know". A notice on the side reminds you to drag you empties to the trash can.

The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-ounce can that looks a lot like a Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously but in reality you can only drink a few of them--very slowly--especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Comes in a 32-ounce can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you sake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like a Mac Beer's can but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-ounce cans, but when you look inside, the cans have only 16 ounces of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. the ingredients list, when you look a the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even thought the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Comes in 32-ounce cans but you can only but it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer and suggested only for use in bars.

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-ounces to 64-ounces. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking UNIX Beer for several years.

The company has gone out of business, but its recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand the marketing. Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group It originally came in a 16-ounce can, but now comes in 32-ounce cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However, cans have been known on occasion to explode, or possibly contain extremely un-beerlike contents.

If Microsoft Built Cars

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated; If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mpg."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement; "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"


If Operating Systems Ran Your Car

MS DOS: You get into the car and try to remember where you put the keys.
Windows: You get into the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
MAC System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car drives you to church.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says "go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to the dashboard.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Mantalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6,000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and go to the store in a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Half way there, the car blows up, killing everyone in town.
S/36 SSP: You get in the car and drive tot he store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store where you get to watch everybody else buy fillet mignons.

If Microsoft were Headquatered in Minnesota


Created: 18-May-1998, Last updated: 17-July-1998

© 1998.

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