Computer One Liners

Computer One Liners

Computer Errors:

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Why didn't Intel name the Pentium the 586? Because when they added 100 to 486, they got 585.99923564!
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
To err is human, it takes a computer to really *.*-up.
My software never has bugs.It just develops random features.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Necessary Files:

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted:Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

E-Mail/Telecommunications:

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
An error? Impossible! My modem has error correcting.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

DOS:

C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Best file compression around:"DEL *.*" = 100% compression
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Networks/Mainframes:

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

Miscellaneous:

Does fuzzy logic tickle?
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
All computers wait at the same speed.

Troubleshooting:

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

To Be Continued:

Press
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Hit any user to continue.

Programming/Ers

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Real programmers don't document.If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!

Created: 9-March-1999, Last Updated:

camilian since 1-May-1998

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