Man arrested on consperacy bank robbery charges. When the would be thief arrived at the bank there was a line, so he got in line. And while he waited, he put on his mask and drew his gun and waited to get to the front of the line. Luckily he was spotted before he made it to the front of the line,and arrested without inncident.
Several years ago, I was working as a case worker in a County welfare office. As a state requirement to receive welfare, all able-bodied adults were required to complete a referral for job seeking skills in an adjacent office. I referred a client to the job skills counselor who later returned with a form in hand completed by the counselor that read, "Client ineligible. Can't read or right."
Here are some of my favorite college student spelling errors (juniors and seniors, mind you.)
McJager (like McDonald's?)..........Mick Jaggar
rabbit dog (run away!)..............rabid dog
goody tissue........................goody two shoes
Bob wired...........................barbed wire
guess star..........................guest star
I had a secretary who was really dumb. One time, she addressed an envelope to "Chicago, (zip code)". One of the other attorneys told her that she had left off the state name. She said "Chicago is a state". The attorney said "no, it's a city in Illinois, Like Philadelphia is a city". She said "I thought Philadelphia was a state".
There is also a woman on our floor who spends hours in the bathroom spraying her hair, and I think the fumes have gotten to her. We were going down the elevator the other day, and she started asking us about work. She asked us what kind of law we did, and I said we chased ambulances. She said "why do you chase them?"
My dad told me this story about some guy who tried to steal gas out of a tractor in some shop, and it was dark, so to see where the gas was he used his lighter to see. You do the math.
David Big Top Velador
We had a new member join our research group who had never been in a clean room before. After suiting up, we showed him where the gloves were located in bins marked with sizes small to extra large.
After a few minutes in the clean room, he began to complain that his gloves were uncomfortably tight. When asked what size he was wearing, he replied that he had on a pair of large gloves. When it was suggested that he try a pair of extra large gloves, he replied, "But my hands aren't that big!"
Last summer I was working as a systemoperator at a small company in sweden when a lady calls me saying that her computer won't start.
When I come to her office I discover that her computer doesn't even want to start up. I ask her if she had removed anything from her harddrive.
-No ... Oh yeah I removed that DOS library since I never used it anyway and the disc started to get full!
Our Geophysical Clerk recently tried this unusal unit conversion: She could not get a program to properly evaluate a set of data, where the unit of measurement was in feet. So she converted all of the data to milliseconds and imported it into the program. When she proudly explained her brilliant conversion to her boss, his only response was: How many seconds tall are you?
I called Microsoft Customer Support (to be read Microsoft Direct Sales, but that's another story...), and when the woman answered, "May I take your order please?" I politely replied that I didn't want to order. She then asked if she could help me.
I told her that I was calling from an educational institution, and in our Macintosh lab we had 1 (one) PC running MS-Windows, and that we were getting an error when we tried to install one of the Microsoft Home packages.
She politely replied, "If you already have Mac's, why did you get a PC. The Mac is so much nicer than Windows!"
I started laughing so hard, I dropped the phone. When I finally picked it up, she wasn't there anymore. I would have never anticipated a Microsoft employee saying anything like that...
when I first moved to Louisiana, there were two signs along the road that almost caused a wreck...from my laughing.
Loose stock illegal on highway.
(cows can read? Perhaps the farmers don't know to keep the cows off the roads, but in that case, _they_ probably can't read.)
Illegal to track mud on highway.
(how do you wipe your tires before you pull onto the road?)
The store had 30,000 titles.
New Hampshire Public Radio this last week reported on some snow mobilers who have taken up a new stunt they call "skimming". With warming temperatures, holes have been starting to appear in the frozen lake Winnipesaukee. These new thrill seekers like to get up a head of steam and try to "jump" their snow mobiles over the water. Several snow mobiles have been deep-sixed so far this year. A Massachusetts man nearly died of hypothermia after driving his snow mobile in the drink.
Deciding to spend our last evening together in a motel before my girlfriend left for Maui, we looked for a place that could offer a hot tub, a bar, and a chance to relax. We arrived at a nice looking motel and informed the woman at the desk of our expectations. With a smile she reassured us and gave us a room key. Before we finished the transaction she told us that two seperate groups had reserved sections of the motel and would most likely end up in the lounge. Confident we would still have tranqulity with our drinks we booked the room. Later we learned that the two groups who would be joining us in the bar were a cement worker union and a transvestite convention.
The sign read, "Take stairs to elevator"
>From a Carrier Central Air Conditioning unit:
"Do not place hand in fan while fan is running."
>From a window air conditioner:
"Warning: Do not allow air conditioner to fall out of window."
Also, there are those stupid labels on 5 gallon buckets warning people against filling them with water and leaving them around for little kids to fall into and drown.
A lady called me to complain that her Macintosh foot pedal wasn't doing anything. The call was resolved when I had her remove the mouse from the floor and put it on the desk.
In an effort to understand what was on one woman's Microsoft Windows screen, I asked her "Okay, now what do you see in the window?" Her response: "I don't know why it matters, but I see some trees, a parking lot, and several cars. Why?"
And finally, to put an end to this trilogy, there was the man who was asked by me, "Are you running this program under Windows?" His response was, "No, but you have a good point! John's computer is under a window and it works fine. Mine's next to the door."
- Marshall G.
A couple years ago there was a crazy female environmentalist in the Reading, PA area who was upset at all the damage that heavy construction equipment was doing to the environment. She decided that the best way to stop this was by rendering the heavy equipment inoperative. She did this by cutting all the hydraulic hoses. Of course, all the dirty hydraulic fluid would drain out, completely contaminating the area.
The contractors who were paying for all the repairs found a brilliant move to combat the vandalism. They parked their heavy equipment so that all the cranes, shovels, etc. were raised. When the hoses were cut, the person doing the cutting would experience several tons of negative reinforcement. Unfortunately, the woman was caught by the police before this could happen.
"Don't Drive Into Smoke"
A man who found Muni's bus service wanting dialed 911 late Wednesday and threatened to blow up a police station if his bus didn't arrive within 5 minutes. So agitated was the man, police say, that he told the dispatcher he was calling from in front of the station he intended to bomb.
Timothy Boyd was arrested in a telephone booth, the phone still in his hand, in front of Northern Station at Turk and Fillmore streets shortly after 10:15 pm.
Police said Boyd placed the 911 call and began complaining to a(n) operator about how long he'd been waiting for a bus. When the operator told him to call Muni, he said, "If one doesn't get here right away, I'm gonna blow up the Union Square Muni station," police said.
Informed that there wasn't a Muni station at Union Square, the man said: "Fine, then I'll do it to the police station I'm standing next to.
Officers inside the station were notified of the threat on another phone line and walked outside to find Boyd, 20, of San Francisco, still screaming into the phone.
He was charged with making a false bomb threat.
I guess it's all how you look at it.
'Do not use near open flame'
In a recent long-distance phone conversation with me, he remarked that he was waiting to hear from my brother so he could go pick him up somewhere in town. I told him that I should get off the phone so my brother could call through if he needed to. He said, "That's O.K., I've got call-waiting". I reminded him that he was now at my sister's home, to which he responded, "Well, I brought MY phone from the apartment".
"Where exactly on the keyboard IS the Any key?"
The judge told the gentleman that he was going 30mph past the speed limit.The man responded by stating that there was no way he could drive that fast while he was drinking(alcohol).The judge tacked on an additional $50.00.Now, that's stupid.
A couple of years before, his company was working on a particularly complex project. Work proceeded very slowly and deadlines were missed because each time the developers fixed a bug, two new ones popped up. Finally, the extremely harried project manager called a staff meeting at which she expressed her frustrations and her fears that the company would lose a great deal of money if the project was not completed soon. "I need everyone to give everything they have to get this project finished," she said, "and to start with, I want a list of all the unknown bugs on my desk on Monday..."
A guy had to move a bunch of bricks from the attic. So he hooked up a block-and-tackle to the roof and ran a line from the street to the attic and tied it to a barrel. He filled the barrel with bricks, went down to the street and pulled on the line. The barrel was heavier than he was, and since he didn't let go, the barrel came down and he went up. On the way up, he hit the barrel and broke his collarbone. When he got to the top, he broke his fingers when they hit the block and tackle. The barrel hit the sidewalk and broke, and the bricks came out. Since he was now heavier than the barrel, he came down and the barrel went up. On the way down, he hit the barrel and broke his knee. He landed on the pile of bricks and sprained his back. Then he let go of the rope...
In the photo album, we included short, easy-to-read captions by each picture. Captions were written for an elementary school reading level. They said things like, "Grey Squirrel" and, "Adult Heron".
A woman approached the booth and began flipping through the photo album. She had a confused look in her face. She turned the pages very slowly. Finally, she got to a page with a photograph of a young sea gull. She read the caption out loud and asked, "Juvenile gull? What is that?"
I explained that 'juvenile' meant not yet an adult, not grown up yet.
The woman nodded as though she understood, then asked, "And 'gull', is that like a brand name or something?"
I asked the woman to bring the egg into the clinic.
Shortly after that, the woman appeared carrying the egg in a folded silk scarf. She was noticably distressed. She told me she had been listening to the bird inside for a couple of days. Again, she cried, "It's trying to get out! It's trying to get out!"
I took the egg into the treatment room and candled it (a process whereby you can look inside an egg). The egg was still 100% undeveloped. And embryo had never even begun forming inside.
I had a friend who had just gotten a new, high-paying job. When he got his first check he wanted to get a $500 dollar bill just because he could. He went to the bank and he asked the teller if he could get a $500 dollar bill and she replied "We don't have any but I can order you one". Then my friend looked at her in the eye and with all seriousness asked, "How much will it cost?"
A man was found laying on the freeway under an overpass. Witnesses said the had observed the man earlier that day hanging from the guard rail. Periodically, the man would 'practice' letting go of the guard rail, then grabbing it again. It is assumed that the last time he tried this 'maneuver, he missed.
".....emergencies may occur. Indications of such an emergency might include:
-- The presence on the ground of crude oil, a heavy, black substance.
-- A strong, pungent odor.
-- A hissing or roaring sound of liquid escaping under pressure.
-- A back spray above the pipeline or coming from the ground.
-- A white cloud of steam or fog.
-- A patch of dead or dicolored vegetation.
If you should become aware of a pipeline emergency, LEAVE THE AREA IMMEDIATELY!! Avoid contact with the escaping crude oil......"
One of my nominations for a place on your list of stupid people would be a fellow who made the news a few years ago from a northern California town. He worked in a gas station, and at his bosses request proceeded to remove the "no smoking" signs from the gas pumps. For reasons known only to him, he chose to do this with a cutting torch. At the time of the news release that I heard, he was hospitalized, badly burned, but expected to live.
A friend who discovered (and shared the news) that she could induce an abortion by taking an overdose of Qualudes. When asked why she didn't just take Birth Control Pills, she replied,"Man, those things are bad for you."
I manage a small pet store on the weekends. A woman walks in one day and tells me that her snake is very hungry and that it is essential that I provide her with a [small mouse]. I told her that she was in luck, for I had a frozen mouse in our freezer, if she wanted it. I told her to simply let it thaw, and her snake might eat it. Looking at me in a state of shock, she then asked me how long it would have to thaw before it came back to life.
There was a lad of about 6-7 yrs of age who was reaching to touch my Cornsnake when his gramma back-handed him away about 3 ft. and to the floor. When I calmly explained to her that she had just hurt the boy more than the snake ever could she replied"I don't care,it's a snake."
I had my burmese python (a large snake) out in the park and was surrounded by the usual crowd and answering the usual questions. "Does it bite?" - Well since you've already stuck your hand in his face I guess not.
So this lady is behind me and she says "is it ok if my baby does this?" and I turn around to see the kid is chewing on and pinching the snake.
I was working one night at a parking lot for a horse race track along side a security guard. I was responsible for collecting parking fees for one lane of traffic. The guard kept watch over a second lane reserved for non-paying patrons such as horse owners, visiting dignitaries, stockholders and the like. My colleague and I watched as a large car approached at high speed toward the non-paying lane. As it sped by, it brushed close to the security guard. Angrily, the guard yelled, "These goddamn stockholders think they own the place!"