Old Stupid Stuff People Did

Here are some recent submissions to our Stupid People Page. . . Real proof that people are not as smart as they think. . .

stupid robber

Man arrested on consperacy bank robbery charges. When the would be thief arrived at the bank there was a line, so he got in line. And while he waited, he put on his mask and drew his gun and waited to get to the front of the line. Luckily he was spotted before he made it to the front of the line,and arrested without inncident.

Radley crook

Illegitimate Illiteracy

Several years ago, I was working as a case worker in a County welfare office. As a state requirement to receive welfare, all able-bodied adults were required to complete a referral for job seeking skills in an adjacent office. I referred a client to the job skills counselor who later returned with a form in hand completed by the counselor that read, "Client ineligible. Can't read or right."

College student spelling errors

Here are some of my favorite college student spelling errors (juniors and seniors, mind you.)

McJager (like McDonald's?)..........Mick Jaggar
rabbit dog (run away!)..............rabid dog
goody tissue........................goody two shoes
Bob wired...........................barbed wire
guess star..........................guest star
lame man's..........................layman's
solid hairidy.......................solidarity

M. Stombler

Stupid Adinistrative Assistants

I had a secretary who was really dumb. One time, she addressed an envelope to "Chicago, (zip code)". One of the other attorneys told her that she had left off the state name. She said "Chicago is a state". The attorney said "no, it's a city in Illinois, Like Philadelphia is a city". She said "I thought Philadelphia was a state".

There is also a woman on our floor who spends hours in the bathroom spraying her hair, and I think the fumes have gotten to her. We were going down the elevator the other day, and she started asking us about work. She asked us what kind of law we did, and I said we chased ambulances. She said "why do you chase them?"


A really stupid man trying to steal gas.

My dad told me this story about some guy who tried to steal gas out of a tractor in some shop, and it was dark, so to see where the gas was he used his lighter to see. You do the math.

David Big Top Velador

Glove Sizes

We had a new member join our research group who had never been in a clean room before. After suiting up, we showed him where the gloves were located in bins marked with sizes small to extra large.

After a few minutes in the clean room, he began to complain that his gloves were uncomfortably tight. When asked what size he was wearing, he replied that he had on a pair of large gloves. When it was suggested that he try a pair of extra large gloves, he replied, "But my hands aren't that big!"

Scott Wilkinson


Last summer I was working as a systemoperator at a small company in sweden when a lady calls me saying that her computer won't start.

When I come to her office I discover that her computer doesn't even want to start up. I ask her if she had removed anything from her harddrive.

-No ... Oh yeah I removed that DOS library since I never used it anyway and the disc started to get full!


Unusual Unit Conversion

Our Geophysical Clerk recently tried this unusal unit conversion: She could not get a program to properly evaluate a set of data, where the unit of measurement was in feet. So she converted all of the data to milliseconds and imported it into the program. When she proudly explained her brilliant conversion to her boss, his only response was: How many seconds tall are you?

And they say that the people asking the computer questions are bad...

I called Microsoft Customer Support (to be read Microsoft Direct Sales, but that's another story...), and when the woman answered, "May I take your order please?" I politely replied that I didn't want to order. She then asked if she could help me.

I told her that I was calling from an educational institution, and in our Macintosh lab we had 1 (one) PC running MS-Windows, and that we were getting an error when we tried to install one of the Microsoft Home packages.

She politely replied, "If you already have Mac's, why did you get a PC. The Mac is so much nicer than Windows!"

I started laughing so hard, I dropped the phone. When I finally picked it up, she wasn't there anymore. I would have never anticipated a Microsoft employee saying anything like that...

Keith Seyffarth


when I first moved to Louisiana, there were two signs along the road that almost caused a wreck...from my laughing.

Loose stock illegal on highway.
(cows can read? Perhaps the farmers don't know to keep the cows off the roads, but in that case, _they_ probably can't read.)

Illegal to track mud on highway.
(how do you wipe your tires before you pull onto the road?)


Bookstore Customer: I'm looking for a book.
Me: Let me look it up for you on the computer. Do you know the title?
Cust: No.
Me: Author?
Cust: No.
Me: Subject?
Cust: No.
Me: ISBN number?!
Cust: No, but it has a red cover, and my mother absolutely loved it.

The store had 30,000 titles.


New Hampshire Public Radio this last week reported on some snow mobilers who have taken up a new stunt they call "skimming". With warming temperatures, holes have been starting to appear in the frozen lake Winnipesaukee. These new thrill seekers like to get up a head of steam and try to "jump" their snow mobiles over the water. Several snow mobiles have been deep-sixed so far this year. A Massachusetts man nearly died of hypothermia after driving his snow mobile in the drink.



Deciding to spend our last evening together in a motel before my girlfriend left for Maui, we looked for a place that could offer a hot tub, a bar, and a chance to relax. We arrived at a nice looking motel and informed the woman at the desk of our expectations. With a smile she reassured us and gave us a room key. Before we finished the transaction she told us that two seperate groups had reserved sections of the motel and would most likely end up in the lounge. Confident we would still have tranqulity with our drinks we booked the room. Later we learned that the two groups who would be joining us in the bar were a cement worker union and a transvestite convention.


One of my husband's friends is a perfect "Stupid Person". He was pulled over because an officer noticed that his plates had expired."License and Registration please." He handed the officer what he believed to be an "up to date" drivers license, when he discovered that it too was expired. "May I see your proof of insurance please". Duh! His insurance was expired over 6 months! Upon telling this story to my husband, and thus exposing his sheer stupidity, he added, to our delight "I was lucky though. He didn't give me a ticket. Just this citation." It gave my heart joy to point out how lucky he was to have a $350.00 citation.
I recently stumbled accross a sign in a local parking garage which had an arrow pointing toward a door.

The sign read, "Take stairs to elevator"

I am a computer technician and systems administrator for the House of Representatives. On one occasion I was delivering a computer to the secretary for one of the members. She had a very impressive resume, working as an assistant to several governors and even a former president. I started to give her a tour of the computer and asked her to click on an icon with her mouse pointer. Confidently, she picked up her mouse, held it at eye level, aimed it at the icon on the screen and started clicking the button.
Here are some Stupid Product Labels for your page...

>From a Carrier Central Air Conditioning unit:

"Do not place hand in fan while fan is running."

>From a window air conditioner:

"Warning: Do not allow air conditioner to fall out of window."

Also, there are those stupid labels on 5 gallon buckets warning people against filling them with water and leaving them around for little kids to fall into and drown.

I was in a restaurant with two tables of people and a friend of mine was talking about how when he graduated in 2 months he was going to buy a car and drive from Georgia to Alaska. A girl at the other table looked at him like he was stupid and said "You can't drive to Alaska". Conversation at both tables stopped. Finally, the girl next to her said "It's not an island." The girl said "it's not?" She thought because maps show Alaska and Hawaii with the continental U.S. that Alaska was also an island.
Working at a computer support desk, I get my share of stupid people every day, but every once in a while one really takes the cake. So, a trilogy of stupidity:

A lady called me to complain that her Macintosh foot pedal wasn't doing anything. The call was resolved when I had her remove the mouse from the floor and put it on the desk.

In an effort to understand what was on one woman's Microsoft Windows screen, I asked her "Okay, now what do you see in the window?" Her response: "I don't know why it matters, but I see some trees, a parking lot, and several cars. Why?"

And finally, to put an end to this trilogy, there was the man who was asked by me, "Are you running this program under Windows?" His response was, "No, but you have a good point! John's computer is under a window and it works fine. Mine's next to the door."

- Marshall G.

Stupid environmentalists.

A couple years ago there was a crazy female environmentalist in the Reading, PA area who was upset at all the damage that heavy construction equipment was doing to the environment. She decided that the best way to stop this was by rendering the heavy equipment inoperative. She did this by cutting all the hydraulic hoses. Of course, all the dirty hydraulic fluid would drain out, completely contaminating the area.

The contractors who were paying for all the repairs found a brilliant move to combat the vandalism. They parked their heavy equipment so that all the cranes, shovels, etc. were raised. When the hoses were cut, the person doing the cutting would experience several tons of negative reinforcement. Unfortunately, the woman was caught by the police before this could happen.

I was traveling through Oklahoma recently and saw the following sign along the highway:

"Don't Drive Into Smoke"

I just wanted to share a stupid person story. When I worked in a pet shop last year, a customer came in to look at the rodents. Whenever we had a rodent that bit, we'd tape a handwritten note on it's cage so that people would know ahead of time and not get stuck with an overly aggressive gerbil or rat. Well, this woman looked at the cages and then stopped me to ask, "Excuse me, but what kind of animal is a "Hamsterbites"? It took all I had in me to stay straight-faced and explain!
I was driving an eighteen wheeler in Texas, late at night on an empty stretch of highway 287 out of Amarillo bound for Dallas. I was at the top of a long but shallow downhill straight into a wide flat valley, and since I had the road all to myself, I decided to let the truck roll downhill without down-shifting; I just let the truck go. By the time I reached the bottom of the hill, my speed was well into the serious violation range; and there I saw a Texas State Police cruiser off the road and well into the dirt. Sure enough, when I flew past him, the lights came on and he started after me. He drove about ten feet forward right into a huge mud hole and got hopelessly stuck. I could see mud flying out of his drive wheels when I looked in my mirror.
A year or two ago I saw this on the news in Spokane, WA. I don't remember if that was the location of the incident but that is pretty incidental anyway. Point is this: some nut decided he wanted to try bungee jumping, but he wanted to do something "new and different." So, instead of the standard bridge leap, he opted for the jump out of a hot air balloon. He and a small crew took off. Conditions were good, and so at about 150 feet he leaps out. Unfortunately, he had 200 feet of cord...


"Late Muni bus drives man to threaten cop shooting" (examiner staff report)

A man who found Muni's bus service wanting dialed 911 late Wednesday and threatened to blow up a police station if his bus didn't arrive within 5 minutes. So agitated was the man, police say, that he told the dispatcher he was calling from in front of the station he intended to bomb.

Timothy Boyd was arrested in a telephone booth, the phone still in his hand, in front of Northern Station at Turk and Fillmore streets shortly after 10:15 pm.

Police said Boyd placed the 911 call and began complaining to a(n) operator about how long he'd been waiting for a bus. When the operator told him to call Muni, he said, "If one doesn't get here right away, I'm gonna blow up the Union Square Muni station," police said.

Informed that there wasn't a Muni station at Union Square, the man said: "Fine, then I'll do it to the police station I'm standing next to.

Officers inside the station were notified of the threat on another phone line and walked outside to find Boyd, 20, of San Francisco, still screaming into the phone.

He was charged with making a false bomb threat.

When I was working in a Deli we had a girl behind the bakery counter who was eavesdropping on the assistant managers conversation about him being in the army several years back. She promptly asked, with 100% seriousness, "My brother is in the army! Do you know him?"
I work in the theatre. I was heading up to the lighting booth when a patron asked "Do these stairs go up?"

I guess it's all how you look at it.

> From a warning label found on a common brand of
> cigarette lighters:

'Do not use near open flame'


My father is a good man, but occasionally displays a little less than a full deck. He recently moved into my sister's home following a rough year after losing my mother to cancer. In his former apartment he had "call-waiting", my sister does not.

In a recent long-distance phone conversation with me, he remarked that he was waiting to hear from my brother so he could go pick him up somewhere in town. I told him that I should get off the phone so my brother could call through if he needed to. He said, "That's O.K., I've got call-waiting". I reminded him that he was now at my sister's home, to which he responded, "Well, I brought MY phone from the apartment".

In the past, I've worked in a computer end user support role for employees of a large company. One day, I received a panicked call from a user who said his PC was locked up and giving him a cryptic error message. I asked him to read me the message. "It says: Press Any Key To Continue." "Well," I said, "What's the problem?"

"Where exactly on the keyboard IS the Any key?"

Recently my brother went to traffic court to contest a speeding violation.When he got back from court he told me a story about the person contesting the ticket before him.

The judge told the gentleman that he was going 30mph past the speed limit.The man responded by stating that there was no way he could drive that fast while he was drinking(alcohol).The judge tacked on an additional $50.00.Now, that's stupid.

An individual that I know was seen unlocking a 4 foot wide chain link fence gate to enter the work place. He opened the gate, walked through the gate, then locked the gate behind him. He never noticed that the 26 foot gate that is immediately adjacent to the gate he had just walked through was completely wide open to allow for two way vehicular traffic. The real kick of this story is that he has been seen doing this on several occasions!
I recently worked with a gentleman from the testing group at a software firm with which my company had contracted. We were discussing the joys of new product rollouts when he told me the following anecdote.

A couple of years before, his company was working on a particularly complex project. Work proceeded very slowly and deadlines were missed because each time the developers fixed a bug, two new ones popped up. Finally, the extremely harried project manager called a staff meeting at which she expressed her frustrations and her fears that the company would lose a great deal of money if the project was not completed soon. "I need everyone to give everything they have to get this project finished," she said, "and to start with, I want a list of all the unknown bugs on my desk on Monday..."

My favorite stupid tale comes from a 'True Life' column in the National Lampoon printed in the '60s.

A guy had to move a bunch of bricks from the attic. So he hooked up a block-and-tackle to the roof and ran a line from the street to the attic and tied it to a barrel. He filled the barrel with bricks, went down to the street and pulled on the line. The barrel was heavier than he was, and since he didn't let go, the barrel came down and he went up. On the way up, he hit the barrel and broke his collarbone. When he got to the top, he broke his fingers when they hit the block and tackle. The barrel hit the sidewalk and broke, and the bricks came out. Since he was now heavier than the barrel, he came down and the barrel went up. On the way down, he hit the barrel and broke his knee. He landed on the pile of bricks and sprained his back. Then he let go of the rope...

I was in a hurry and had to buy some stamps at the post office, so I could mail off some checks. I went in and told the guy at the counter that I needed 10, 32 cent stamps. He started to get them out, then without thinking I asked"How much is that going to be?" He simply shook his head and continued with his work. I was so embarrassed at my own stupidity that all I could do was say thank you.

I was working in booth at a rock concert. The concert was a benefit for the environment. I was in a booth for a local wildlife rehabilitation center. We had all kinds of things on display - x-rays of eagles that had been shot, microscopes showing bloodwork, and a photo album of some of the animals at the wildlife center.

In the photo album, we included short, easy-to-read captions by each picture. Captions were written for an elementary school reading level. They said things like, "Grey Squirrel" and, "Adult Heron".

A woman approached the booth and began flipping through the photo album. She had a confused look in her face. She turned the pages very slowly. Finally, she got to a page with a photograph of a young sea gull. She read the caption out loud and asked, "Juvenile gull? What is that?"

I explained that 'juvenile' meant not yet an adult, not grown up yet.

The woman nodded as though she understood, then asked, "And 'gull', is that like a brand name or something?"

I was working at the University of Minnesota Wildlife Rehabilitation Clinic. We got a call from a hysterical woman who said she had found a robin's egg more than a month before. She had left it on her dresser, because she thought it was pretty. Now she said she could hear the bird inside trying to get out. She kept screaming, "It's trying to get out! It's trying to get out! I can hear it in there!"

I asked the woman to bring the egg into the clinic.

Shortly after that, the woman appeared carrying the egg in a folded silk scarf. She was noticably distressed. She told me she had been listening to the bird inside for a couple of days. Again, she cried, "It's trying to get out! It's trying to get out!"

I took the egg into the treatment room and candled it (a process whereby you can look inside an egg). The egg was still 100% undeveloped. And embryo had never even begun forming inside.

From: D. Spiess

I had a friend who had just gotten a new, high-paying job. When he got his first check he wanted to get a $500 dollar bill just because he could. He went to the bank and he asked the teller if he could get a $500 dollar bill and she replied "We don't have any but I can order you one". Then my friend looked at her in the eye and with all seriousness asked, "How much will it cost?"

My boyfriend works at a computer store and a lady came in and was concerned that the color coded floppy disks her husband had just purchased would not work on their computer because they had a "black and white Macintosh".

My best friend is from Alaska and for a few summers she worked at the Alaska visitors center. One day and old couple came in and asked her how may barrels of oil went down the Alaska pipeline in a day. After hearing my friend's reply, 100 thousand a day, the woman asked, "Isn't that noisy?" (the barrels).

I used to work for a Dairy Queen, and my best friend would sometimes come by and hang out with me when we were not busy. One day a customer came in and saw us sitting together and asked if we were sisters, when I replied "no" he asked, "well are you twins then?"

FROM: A Local News Broadcast

A man was found laying on the freeway under an overpass. Witnesses said the had observed the man earlier that day hanging from the guard rail. Periodically, the man would 'practice' letting go of the guard rail, then grabbing it again. It is assumed that the last time he tried this 'maneuver, he missed.

FROM: A sign hanging on the Alaska Pipeline. . .
(If people were not stupid, would they really need this sign?)

".....emergencies may occur. Indications of such an emergency might include:

-- The presence on the ground of crude oil, a heavy, black substance.
-- A strong, pungent odor.
-- A hissing or roaring sound of liquid escaping under pressure.
-- A back spray above the pipeline or coming from the ground.
-- A white cloud of steam or fog.
-- A patch of dead or dicolored vegetation.
-- Flames.
If you should become aware of a pipeline emergency, LEAVE THE AREA IMMEDIATELY!! Avoid contact with the escaping crude oil......"

From: Bill S.

One of my nominations for a place on your list of stupid people would be a fellow who made the news a few years ago from a northern California town. He worked in a gas station, and at his bosses request proceeded to remove the "no smoking" signs from the gas pumps. For reasons known only to him, he chose to do this with a cutting torch. At the time of the news release that I heard, he was hospitalized, badly burned, but expected to live.

From: D. Pearce

A friend who discovered (and shared the news) that she could induce an abortion by taking an overdose of Qualudes. When asked why she didn't just take Birth Control Pills, she replied,"Man, those things are bad for you."

From: A Pet Shop Manager

I manage a small pet store on the weekends. A woman walks in one day and tells me that her snake is very hungry and that it is essential that I provide her with a [small mouse]. I told her that she was in luck, for I had a frozen mouse in our freezer, if she wanted it. I told her to simply let it thaw, and her snake might eat it. Looking at me in a state of shock, she then asked me how long it would have to thaw before it came back to life.

From: An Educator Working With Reptiles

There was a lad of about 6-7 yrs of age who was reaching to touch my Cornsnake when his gramma back-handed him away about 3 ft. and to the floor. When I calmly explained to her that she had just hurt the boy more than the snake ever could she replied"I don't care,it's a snake."

From: Rebecca S.

I had my burmese python (a large snake) out in the park and was surrounded by the usual crowd and answering the usual questions. "Does it bite?" - Well since you've already stuck your hand in his face I guess not.

So this lady is behind me and she says "is it ok if my baby does this?" and I turn around to see the kid is chewing on and pinching the snake.

From: A Parking Lot Attendant

I was working one night at a parking lot for a horse race track along side a security guard. I was responsible for collecting parking fees for one lane of traffic. The guard kept watch over a second lane reserved for non-paying patrons such as horse owners, visiting dignitaries, stockholders and the like. My colleague and I watched as a large car approached at high speed toward the non-paying lane. As it sped by, it brushed close to the security guard. Angrily, the guard yelled, "These goddamn stockholders think they own the place!"