A director was working on a seen where there had to be lots drums and told the actors that he wanted it so quit that he could hear a mouse drop. After being told the corect expresion was pin he said "Just like a mouse pin droping.".
I used to work in a Community College bookstore. During the first week of classes every semester, the bookstore would be flooded with people. During this time, a fellow co-worker and I began keeping a tally of the number of people asking any of the following frequently asked questions:
1. (With a line running through the lobby of the Student union just to get into the store)
'Are you always this busy?'
2. 'Are these the books for my classes?' (with no refrence to which class, after having wandered through the text book section with severalhundred classes)
Reply: No. You need the yellow one.
3. (My favourite) 'Can I buy books here?' Approximately 1:6 people asked this question.
Reply: No. We lease them.
Dan Quayle, on returning from a trip to Latin America: "I should have been more attentive during Latin classes at school. Then I would have been able to converse with the locals!"
see it every day
. the person who locked their keys in the car. When the driver arrived he discovered the car had one of the windows rolled down.
. the person who had a convertible and said they locked the keys in the vehicle.
. During one paticalarly harsh winter we were servicing only those people in an emergency situation. A person called us from home. When he was informed it was not an emergency situation, he then pushed his car out of his driveway and into a ditch accross the street. He then called us back and said "is it an emergency situation now?"
A man called the police to report that the convienience store which he owned and operated had been robbed. When the police arrived, the owner gave an extremely detailed description of the thief. The police immediately arrested the store owner, who had described himself exactly. The store owner admitted to the theft.
Sheriff's deputies reported that Leslie Durnell was drunk when he climbed into an unmarked sheriff's car at 1:50 am Saturday and asked to be taken to an address. When ordered out, he became verbally abusive and struck an officer who tried to arrest him, they said. "What the f--- kind of taxi are you," he wass quoted as saying in a police report. San Francisco Chronicle
In New Haven, CT there are BUS STOP signs placed about every block in the downtown area. Nothing wrong with that. But the city apparently decided to save on sign posts. They have placed below the BUS STOP signs another sign that reads: NO STANDING. I guess people who want to wait for a bus will have to sit.
The cooking directions on Stove Top Stuffing call for 1/4 cup
margarine. However, there is an asterisk which directs you to
this wonderful insight:
"*To prepare stuffing with less margarine, decrease margarine to 2 tablespoons"
JL In Denver
GIRL: You put this wax thing in your ear that has a wick sticking out of it
ME: Do you mean a candle?
GIRL: Well, it's this wax thing with a wick sticking out of it.
GIRL: You light the wick and the flame pulls the wax out of your ear!
After going over the details of this method, I told her there is no way this could really work . . . it doesn't conform to the laws of physics and mass transport. She promptly pointed out that physics and holistics are two different things and continued to insist that it would work.
A friend of mine and I were debating the subject of term limitations. He argued for them and I argued against them. My point was that the current Congress has a large number of new members because incumbants have been rejected in record numbers in recent elections. This fact suggests that the Democratic process basically works and that term limits would only succeed in limiting voters' freedom of choice. Although, this is a subject of legitimate debate, my friend's logic was, shall we say, really STUPID!
He insisted that we still need a fail-proof way of kicking the bums out of office because they're a bunch of crooks and the U.S. government is one of the most corrupt governments in the world. When I asked him to provide a few examples of this corruption, it was apparent he had none so I gave him the Bob Packwood and Dan Rostankowski (sp?) examples out of sympathy. But, I pointed out that 2 bad apples out of 535 is still pretty good. He then came up with his own example of government corruption to seal the case for term limits:
The debate ended when he argued that the Roswell, New Mexico UFO coverup proves that massive government corruption exists and WE NEED TERM LIMITS!! WE NEED TERM LIMITS!! WE NEED TERM LIMITS!!
As a directory assitance operator, I have to deal with stupidity constantly. I recall one time when a lady called up asking for a person's phone number. It turns out that the lady was a landlord trying to get in touch with a tenant of hers. building.
We were watching a British Television news program at the time of the Apollo 13 crisis. They were a couple of hundred thousand miles out in space and were trying to turn the lunar module around and dock with the main craft. In the nerve racking silence while we were waiting to hear if they had succeeded the announcer said "This must be the most difficult thing on earth".
I phoned ( voice ) my Internet provider today and got this recording. " If you are having trouble getting started send e-mail to tech support at ... "
Arriving late to a Jimmy Buffett concert I waited in line to pay for parking with my window down. THere was a delay as the young lady (read: teenager) convered with the driver ahead of me in line. The lass stood up and shouted to her boss, "This guy is a doctor. Is it OK if he parks here near the exit?" Of course, everyone wants to park near the exit to escape the mad exodus at the end of the show. "He has a beeper!", she declared. Money exchanged hands and the Lexus proceeded to park not ten feet from the exit gate.
Not to be out done, I preceded up to the attendant, handed a five dollar bill to her and declared, "I'm the King of France and am expecting a revolution. May I park next to the doctor?"
"Go ahead", she replied.
Richard Tucker - Reston, VA
My son and I took a tour bus from Madrid to the palace of King Phillip II of Spain. He had notoriously poor health, and near the end of his life, when he could not stand to ride a horse or bounce along in a carriage, it was decided to carry him in a chair fitted out with two long handles along the sides. That conveyance was preserved under a large, square, transparent plexiglass hood that completely covered it. We were forced to leave the room in which it was displayed when a woman was overheard to ask her husband, "But, how did he breathe?"
Camp Gold, a family camp up in Pinecrest, does not have a microwave because of one camper decided that their pottery work just HAD to be fired, and rather than wait to put their pot in the kiln, they put it in the microwave instead.
Needless to say, it was soon decided that a microwave was an innapropriate cooking instrument and the offensive item was removed.
The wild camper
A few years ago, my friend stopped at the drive thru window of a fast food place in Maryland around 9PM.
The girl took his order and he proceeded to the window. When he got there, the girl said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed!". He told her, "But you just took my order!". "Oh, okay." she said. So, she went ahead and filled the order. Then she said,"that will be $4.27."
He gave her a five.
When he didn't get any change back, he asked "Where's my change?"
She said,"We've already closed the cash register."
I recently attended a herp show (read: swap meet)
While there, I sold 6 hatchlings to a lady. She left them in a hot car, they died.
As if that weren't stupid enough, in a pet shop, several days later, I was relating this tale of woe when a lady who was listening piped up:
"But I thought that snakes were cold blooded?"
A recital was being held at my house and several people were invited to enjoy some bach music.
One of these people, without even realizing how stupid her remark would be, said "Really, Is Bach going to be there?"
A friend of mine from high school was telling me about one of her college roommates... it seems that this gal was having a bit of car trouble, so her boyfriend said he would take a look at the car for her. While looking about under the hood, he asked his girlfriend if she could get him a Phillip's screwdriver from the toolbox. She disappeared for a minute or two only to come back to the car and announce to her boyfriend "I couldn't find a Phillip's...Will a Stanley do?"