DALE’S “CHiPs” LOG

 

 

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Episode: “Weed Wars”

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A loose co-operative of marijuana growers is intimidated by a more aggressive (corporate/Mafioso) group of suppliers using a pickup equipped with a retractable and rotating tire-spike.

 

A young Southern boy - stigmatized by his classmates as a "hexter" - places a curse on Officer Poncorello ("Ponch"), leading to hilarious leaks in his motorcycle gas tank, dropped ice cream cones, etc. Later the youngster hides in the cooperative's pickup which is run off the road by the "corporate" muscle, coming to a precarious "ass-first" hang over a cliff. The boy dangles for a few tense moments over a sheer drop until saved by the brave efforts of Ponch, who (I assume) then gets - by way of reward - to screw the boy's cute mother. You can't blame him for his drives; they are hard-wired.

 

Lessons:

 

Magic is tragic.

Every child has a cute mother.

Pot causes accidents.

Policemen get to screw cute mothers.

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Episode: “Bright Flashes”

Guest Star: George Lindsey (“Goober” on “The Andy Griffith Show”) as Wayne Cato

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The multi-talented Ponch races a sprint car at a rally hosted by Wayne Cato – cruelly introduced as “a former great movie star” – sitting atop his horse Zephyr, who coincidentally has the same name as the race sponsor: “Zephyr Batteries, They Spell Power!”

 

A college professor and a loutish student temporarily blind Ponch with a cheap red-beam effect (ostensibly a laser) and cause a wreck. The mechanic/physics genius at the police station guesses the weapon was “a stream of compressed photons.” The beam is next used to blind several cute women who are milling about a payroll, where Cato is a reluctant witness.

 

Ponch and his Anglo-Saxon partner John attend a laser show – supposedly to educate themselves on the phenomenon, but actually as an excuse to fill time with an extended abstract disco video, after which John quips, “I feel like I’ve taken a meteor shower.” I suspect he’s the Oscar Wilde to Ponch’s Zorro.

 

The station hires a specialist to give an in-station laser demonstration, but – wow! – he is actually the evil college professor, who nervously eyes the loutish student taken in by our policemen friends on the basis of Cato’s lame testimony, although he finally fails to finger the crook out of fear. The released student is reunited with the professor, who then plan their next big caper.

 

Ponch and John go to Cato’s hilltop mansion, which later turns out to be owned by a lovely young woman that I presume Ponch later screws off-screen, while John is trying to get his childhood hero to testify.

 

Ponch drives in an antique car race which the two criminal heroes attempt to rob by blinding all the potential witnesses, but (inexplicably) Cato’s old eyes clear rapidly and he tackles the student without much effect. The two escape in their pickup. but John – fulfilling a childhood dream of being a pig on horseback – chases them on Zephyr, as the two try unsuccessfully to blind the horse. There is the usual intersection crash/flip-over and a traffic jam, but no flames! Finally John jumps bravely into the pickup and brings the whole evil scientific scheme to a halt.

 

The reason they couldn’t blind Zephyr? Seems he had been blind all along, and Cato only kept it secret, afraid he would lose endorsement jobs!

 

Lessons:

 

 “Former great movie stars” are drunks and cowards.

Blind horses can be ridden very well in downtown traffic.

Lasers are hip and happening.

Ponch likes bright lights.  

 

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Episode: “Hot Date”

Guest Star: David Caruso as younger brother thug.

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A disappointing episode as it contains no “van ramping over an old lady’s Pinto” or “car bursting into mystery flames.” Also Ponch has lost his first (and - in my modest opinion – his best) Anglo-Saxon partner, John, and taken on a blander and more conventional California pretty boy, Bobby Nelson. Yet – like all episodes – it does have several moments of improbability as spice.

 

Our multi-talented hero Ponch has a date with (of course) a cute blonde flight attendant. He calls his housekeeper (the cop has a maid!), and asks her to leave out some “cheese and salami” for the evening festivities, although I don’t comprehend what advantage is gained by leaving them out all day. Two thugs (the younger and more reluctant of the two played by David Caruso, who later threw his “NYPD Blues” career away) attempt to gain entry to the apartment (the older one wants to eliminate Ponch as a potential testifier), but the housekeeper is on her toes. They decide to wait for Ponch. When he arrives they force him inside, where he temporarily gains the upper hand with his karate skills and beats the hell out of the non-Caruso thug but is finally subdued. THEN the girlfriend decides to show up! By threatening to give his girlfriend “a new face” (and the old one is very pretty in that plastic 70s way) they convince Ponch to call the station, to lure Bobby Nelson (Anglo-Saxon pretty boy) to the casa. But Bobby (belying his dim looks) senses something amiss, and sends over a team. Supposedly a “crack” team, although it appears to be constituted of the usual gang of losers.

 

The thug (exasperated) asks when Bobby is going to get there. Ponch (cool under fire) answers: “I made the phone call for you. If you want a fortune teller, join the circus.” Maybe – after all – Ponch also has a little bit of Oscar Wilde in his Zorro?

 

At this point the crotchety housekeeper comes back, bringing some gift bratwurst for Ponch. She remains feisty in the face of danger and is mainly upset by the mess left by the tussle. I sort of wished they would shoot her, but that’s ungenerous of me no doubt.

 

Ponch slyly turns the gas on in his tacky fake fireplace and then tosses a match into it just in time to blow the thug onto a couch. I cannot figure out how Ponch could be sure of the power of the blast which seems to have damaged nothing (at least the landlord doesn’t sue Ponch) but the thug’s chances for a life outside prison. The team of cops show and everything is hunky dory in Chipsville again.

 

There are THREE sub-plots in this episode, a inspection day, a “secret admirer” mystery, and two starry-eyed young runaways. Suffice to say the inspector is a little martinet, so the head of the motorpool uses a string to line up the motorcycles perfectly, and the goofy cop puts some substance called “Insta-Shine” on his boots, which crack and crumble at the inspection. A hoot I tell you. A secret admirer is having orchids delivered to a pert little brunette cop at the station, first by a man in a very bad gorilla suit who intones these words:

 

      “Cathy Linehan, from the jungle of my heart, a flower to match your beauty…

      Kisses spread germs

      Or so it’s been stated

      So kiss me

      I’ve been vaccinated.”

 

The admirer later turns out to be Phil Silvers playing a lonely widower. He had registered an orchid hybrid in her name! Sweet… Sgt. Bilko would have made her pay for the flowers in some devious way.

 

The two young runaways are off to get to someplace “where no one hassles anyone else, where it is quiet, and peaceful and beautiful, and the land and the sea give you all the food you’ll ever need.” Were any of us ever THIS stupid? Later they separate the sweet little pair for some questioning…

 

Anglo-Saxon Pretty Boy:  “What happens after you find your Blue Lagoon? A baby?”

Dumb Runaway Boy:   “You’re putting the squeeze on us!”

ASPB: “You’re right: welcome to the real world.”

 

Eventually they get the children back to their parents who (with any luck) will send the girl off to a different country, and put the boy in military school.

 

Lessons:

 

The grass is always greener in the Blue Lagoon.

Boots can be too shiny.

If you leave dairy products and meat out all day you’re asking for trouble.

Phil Silvers was rarely amusing.

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     There would be more, but I simply couldn't sit through another taped episode, scribbling down the pertinent facts.