loose co-operative of marijuana growers is intimidated by a more aggressive
(corporate/Mafioso) group of suppliers using a pickup equipped with a
retractable and rotating tire-spike.
young Southern boy - stigmatized by his classmates as a "hexter" -
places a curse on Officer Poncorello ("Ponch"), leading to
hilarious leaks in his motorcycle gas tank, dropped ice cream cones, etc.
Later the youngster hides in the cooperative's pickup which is run off the
road by the "corporate" muscle, coming to a precarious
"ass-first" hang over a cliff. The boy dangles for a few tense
moments over a sheer drop until saved by the brave efforts of Ponch, who (I
assume) then gets - by way of reward - to screw the boy's cute mother. You
can't blame him for his drives; they are hard-wired.
child has a cute mother.
get to screw cute mothers.
Star: George Lindsey (“Goober” on “The Andy Griffith Show”) as Wayne
multi-talented Ponch races a sprint car at a rally hosted by Wayne Cato –
cruelly introduced as “a former great movie star” – sitting atop his
horse Zephyr, who coincidentally has the same name as the race sponsor:
“Zephyr Batteries, They Spell Power!”
college professor and a loutish student temporarily blind Ponch with a cheap
red-beam effect (ostensibly a laser) and cause a wreck. The mechanic/physics
genius at the police station guesses the weapon was “a stream of
compressed photons.” The beam is next used to blind several cute women who
are milling about a payroll, where Cato is a reluctant witness.
and his Anglo-Saxon partner John attend a laser show – supposedly to
educate themselves on the phenomenon, but actually as an excuse to fill time
with an extended abstract disco video, after which John quips, “I feel
like I’ve taken a meteor shower.” I suspect he’s the Oscar Wilde to
station hires a specialist to give an in-station laser demonstration, but
– wow! – he is actually the evil college professor, who nervously eyes
the loutish student taken in by our policemen friends on the basis of
Cato’s lame testimony, although he finally fails to finger the crook out
of fear. The released student is reunited with the professor, who then plan
their next big caper.
and John go to Cato’s hilltop mansion, which later turns out to be owned
by a lovely young woman that I presume Ponch later screws off-screen, while
John is trying to get his childhood hero to testify.
drives in an antique car race which the two criminal heroes attempt to rob
by blinding all the potential witnesses, but (inexplicably) Cato’s old
eyes clear rapidly and he tackles the student without much effect. The two
escape in their pickup. but John – fulfilling a childhood dream of being a
pig on horseback – chases them on Zephyr, as the two try unsuccessfully to
blind the horse. There is the usual intersection crash/flip-over and a
traffic jam, but no flames! Finally John jumps bravely into the pickup and
brings the whole evil scientific scheme to a halt.
reason they couldn’t blind Zephyr? Seems he had been blind all along, and
Cato only kept it secret, afraid he would lose endorsement jobs!
- “Former great movie stars” are drunks and cowards.
horses can be ridden very well in downtown traffic.
are hip and happening.
likes bright lights.
Star: David Caruso as younger brother thug.
disappointing episode as it contains no “van ramping over an old lady’s
Pinto” or “car bursting into mystery flames.” Also Ponch has lost his
first (and - in my modest opinion – his best) Anglo-Saxon partner, John,
and taken on a blander and more conventional California pretty boy, Bobby
Nelson. Yet – like all episodes – it does have several moments of
improbability as spice.
multi-talented hero Ponch has a date with (of course) a cute blonde flight
attendant. He calls his housekeeper (the cop has a maid!), and asks her to
leave out some “cheese and salami” for the evening festivities, although
I don’t comprehend what advantage is gained by leaving them out all day.
Two thugs (the younger and more reluctant of the two played by David Caruso,
who later threw his “NYPD Blues” career away) attempt to gain entry to
the apartment (the older one wants to eliminate Ponch as a potential
testifier), but the housekeeper is on her toes. They decide to wait for
Ponch. When he arrives they force him inside, where he temporarily gains the
upper hand with his karate skills and beats the hell out of the non-Caruso
thug but is finally subdued. THEN the girlfriend decides to show up! By
threatening to give his girlfriend “a new face” (and the old one is very
pretty in that plastic 70s way) they convince Ponch to call the station, to
lure Bobby Nelson (Anglo-Saxon pretty boy) to the casa. But Bobby (belying
his dim looks) senses something amiss, and sends over a team. Supposedly a
“crack” team, although it appears to be constituted of the usual gang of
thug (exasperated) asks when Bobby is going to get there. Ponch (cool under
fire) answers: “I made the phone call for you. If you want a fortune
teller, join the circus.” Maybe – after all – Ponch also has a little
bit of Oscar Wilde in his Zorro?
this point the crotchety housekeeper comes back, bringing some gift
bratwurst for Ponch. She remains feisty in the face of danger and is mainly
upset by the mess left by the tussle. I sort of wished they would shoot her,
but that’s ungenerous of me no doubt.
slyly turns the gas on in his tacky fake fireplace and then tosses a match
into it just in time to blow the thug onto a couch. I cannot figure out how
Ponch could be sure of the power of the blast which seems to have damaged
nothing (at least the landlord doesn’t sue Ponch) but the thug’s chances
for a life outside prison. The team of cops show and everything is hunky
dory in Chipsville again.
are THREE sub-plots in this episode, a inspection day, a “secret
admirer” mystery, and two starry-eyed young runaways. Suffice to say the
inspector is a little martinet, so the head of the motorpool uses a string
to line up the motorcycles perfectly, and the goofy cop puts some substance
called “Insta-Shine” on his boots, which crack and crumble at the
inspection. A hoot I tell you. A secret admirer is having orchids delivered
to a pert little brunette cop at the station, first by a man in a very bad
gorilla suit who intones these words:
- “Cathy Linehan, from the jungle of
my heart, a flower to match your beauty…
- Kisses spread germs
- Or so it’s been stated
- So kiss me
- I’ve been vaccinated.”
admirer later turns out to be Phil Silvers playing a lonely widower. He had
registered an orchid hybrid in her name! Sweet… Sgt. Bilko would have made
her pay for the flowers in some devious way.
two young runaways are off to get to someplace “where no one hassles
anyone else, where it is quiet, and peaceful and beautiful, and the land and
the sea give you all the food you’ll ever need.” Were any of us ever
THIS stupid? Later they separate the sweet little pair for some
Pretty Boy: “What happens
after you find your Blue Lagoon? A baby?”
Runaway Boy: “You’re
putting the squeeze on us!”
“You’re right: welcome to the real world.”
they get the children back to their parents who (with any luck) will send
the girl off to a different country, and put the boy in military school.
grass is always greener in the Blue Lagoon.
can be too shiny.
you leave dairy products and meat out all day you’re asking for trouble.
Silvers was rarely amusing.
There would be more, but I simply
couldn't sit through another taped episode, scribbling down the pertinent facts.