Fig 1: This photograph - taken by veteran crypto- -shutter-bug Mocha Regal - shows a brazen yeti male as he approaches two naked (and obviously
cold) young females. The circled area has been blown up and enhanced by a unique digital process to reveal the loathsome details, which took place behind the Nepal Wal-Mart outlet.

In his understandable excitement, Mocha stopped taking photos before the threesome began their "percolating" but Regal testifies to the event in his fascinating book on crytosexuality "Don't Stop Yeti!" The faces in the blow-up have been obscured so as to protect the two girls, who (it is reported)
are the daughters of well-known American Senators.


Fig. 2: Ugamunti With Yippie Billy©
This particular Yippie Billy© The Cowboy was purchased at the nearby Nepal Wal-Mart (a converted Tibetan temple).  There is reason to believe that it has been filled with leaves from the uo-uo tree, which are a known hallucinogen. This would explain the strange calm that villagers project in the presence of what would be - otherwise - an unsettling figure.

*"Yippie Billy"© is available from CoproToys Ltd ©  and comes with a wide variety of costumes ("Billy Disguised as a Call Girl" "Billy as the Pope" "Billy Bleeding from the Gut"), some scenario sets ("Billy Laughing At A Hanging" "Billy With A Call Girl Disguised as Jerkwater" "Billy Shooting Up A Church, Again") and many accessories ("Yippie Billy's Indian Eliminator" "Yippie  Billy's Tank of Cheap Whiskey" "Yippie Billy's Cow-Horse, Jerkwater" "Yippie Billy's Spittoon Brush" etc.). These - and many other items can be found in the  COMPLETE YIPPIE BILLY CATALOGUE.)


Fig. 3: A Yeti Feather-Pizzle





     Many people think of "fabled" or "legendary" creatures as being aloof, even mysterious:   they run from the camera, shy from human settlements, and generally avoid the limelight with the tenacity of a slightly hairier Howard Hughes. Yet, there exists quite an extensive photographic record which proves not only that some cryptids will actively seek out human companionship, but will actually engage in intimate carnal activities that would make Marlon Brando blush, and a Republican pay good money. Are they trying to evolve a super-race, capable of living amongst us unseen and - possibly - hostile to our human desires? How would WE know?!  -- The following report uses information taken from The Nepalese News, March 21, 2003. 
One does not require ancient wisdom to realize that such events (as seen in Fig. 1) - if allowed to continue - would threaten the very real (and comfortable) separation which exists between the species, and could lead to the destruction of the American family which (as we all  know) is as important to life as gravity and annual white sales. To address this growing concern, several international groups (most notably The Brotherhood Against Cryptosex and the American Family Institute) have raised funds for an expedition to Nepal, in hopes of investigating and addressing with extreme prejudice any and all ramifications of these events.

     The male yeti seen in Fig. 1 (nicknamed Goati - or "Feather Duster" - by the local inhabitants) has been recently sighted hanging about a local girls' school in recent months, having "tasted the snow berries and now wanting the whole bowl" as Headmaster Thuritong recently said on radio station NPAL.
     Specially-trained yeti-dogs have been transported to the region to guard the perimeters of the institution and no untoward advances have been reported. This said, there have been reports of "funny babies" being born in the surrounding villages. A primitive scrawl of one (Ugamunti, daughter of a local Pepsi representative) is shown in Fig. 2. She is clutching her favorite toy, Yippie Bille the Cowboy©*. Although her parents swear there is nothing unusual about her birth, I think the drawing testifies to another - less savory - explanation...


     Seen in Fig. 3 is a graphic revealing the disturbing structure of the yeti's "feather-pizzle." Although it appears to be quite fragile, it has been found to be permanently rigid and quite sturdy. Women who have survived an encounter with the beast, state that the sensation is "ticklish but electric." The two "oil pumps" excrete a fragrant lubricant that is used by certain villagers (who find frozen clumps of it clinging to rocks and bushes) as a perfume.
     The "vibrating cancre" appears to make the pizzle - when in use - resonate  violently. The "spooge" is a sort of "yeti G-spot" it is conjectured. Most interestingly, the "anesthesia pocket" gives off a mild soporific which renders the "victim" unable to escape. The effect is said to be "orgasmic in itself" and a lively drug market has sprung up around the frozen smears of the anesthesia found in the mountains.    

     Unfortunately, this concern has two heads, both quite repulsive in nature. Besides the possibility of male yetis using young human females as sex toys, it is now widely believed that humans have begun to hunt down and enslave yetis (both male and female) to be used as sex objects. 

     This last rumor is further evidence (as if any were needed) that such a grotesque mixing of the human and yeti species is degrading to both sides of the immoral equation. It has become apparent that laws must be enacted not only to preserve our human population from sexual contact with the yeti, but also to protect the yeti race itself from an all too familiar form of exploitation: forced-prostitution. In the last few months I have been devoting most of my efforts not toward protecting/documenting human victims (which are relatively insignificant at this point in time) but toward exposing degrading human misuse of the yetis.  

Below is seen a photocopy of the English-language edition of the Nepalese newspaper, reporting upon the possibility of yeti sex camps.



I leave it to the health and law enforcement authorities to decide what is to be done about this problem - if it IS a problem. Maybe Mother Nature is having a big joke on the human race, and we haven't learned how to laugh about it yet. Maybe there are good evolutionary reasons behind this seemingly terrible invasion. I cannot answer that. I can only say that cryptosexuality has become my life's work, and it is fascinating (if badly recompensed) labor. - Mocha Regal