Undigested Questions
These are the questions I've written that have been
answered by others but not published as Oracularities in the Digests.
I enjoyed them enough to want to share.
In some cases commentary appears following the entry.
OK, I'll be honest: in some cases I just enjoyed writing the question.
OK, and I'm sarcastic: "Car" is included just for the way my
jaw dropped when I received the answer.
The Oracle is not always to be fathomed by mortal minds.
OK, and I'm self-absorbed: "Cow" is a followon to my own 1990 Oracularity
which no one on earth gives a rip about.
Accordion (sic)
Babelfish
Baseball
Ben
Borg
Car
CnW
Code
Cogito
Cow
Disraeli
Egg
Female
Fifty
Fire
Fish
Geek
Googlefight
Gordian
Granny
Haiku
Hand
Heardit
Honesty
Look
Math
Mission
Monica
Monkey
Nethack
Omniscience
Peewee
Rats
Resolution
Safety
Sixtyseven
Spam
Spam2
Stupidity
Superstitious
Tuna
Vacation
Wardrobe
Weekend
Will
Wink
Zot
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> I've got my Corporate Mission Statement all polished and ready to go:
>
> "It is our continual goal to authoritatively network contextually
> advanced techniques so as to promote users' client-focused outside-
> the-box thinking."
>
> Now all I need is a product. Will you help me?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Cute fuzzy little stuffed toy animals wearing tee-shirts that
} say, "Stop Surfing and WORK!" to sit on top of people's monitors.
}
} You owe the Oracle 15% of your after tax profits.
}
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> >
> > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > Your question was:
> >
> > > Oh Oracle Most Wise, who can remember back to his first century
> > > of existence,
> > >
> > > What advice do you have for a man who is about to turn 50 next
> > > week? Life's been good so far, nothing to complain about the
> > > wife and kids and job, in case that guides your answer.
> > >
> >
> > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> >
> > }
> > }
> > }
> > }
> >
>
> Deep.
>
> C'mon, you can tell me. Is it something bad on my horizon?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You drive a Plymouth Horizon?
}
} In that case, it's probably just bird droppings.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
> Ben took a long drag on his cigarette. This doll clearly had either
> an overactive imagination, or a peephole view of a tangled scenario
> that would be a tough case to crack. He considered taking a swig from
> the bottle of rye in his desk drawer, then thought better of it. She
> was still a classy dame and the money she was offering was good; why
> risk queering the deal? Besides, their one night stand had involved
> enough booze that he had a hunch she might be a bit testy on the subject,
> even fifteen years later. Maybe he'd better say something about that
> whole episode, by way of explanation. It would be swell to set things
> right, and maybe start romancing her again after this job was finished;
> after all these years of eating his dinners straight out of the tin can,
> maybe it was time at last to settle down. And after all, her being a
> recent widow meant she was available again. Maybe more than available.
> Sometimes you can mix business with pleasure, he thought. He leaned
> forward.
>
> "Danielle," the detective offered, "I sent thee late a rosy wreath,
> not so much hon'ring thee as giving it a hope that there it could not
> withered be; but thou thereon did'st only breathe, and sent'st it back
> to me, since when it grows and smells, I swear not of itself, but thee."
> He took another puff but, seeing no indication of forgiveness from her,
> leaned back in his chair and gestured for her to get on with her story.
>
> "Outside the gates of a California prison," she continued, "Peter Morgan
> was released after four long years and vowed to redeem himself in the
> eyes of the young daughters he left behind. Simultaneously, Carl Waters,
> a convicted murderer, was set on the path of freedom with him. That night,
> three hundred miles south in San Francisco, police detective Ted Lee came
> home to a silent house; for twenty-nine years, he has been living for
> his job and slowly falling out of love with his wife. Across town, in an
> exclusive Pacific Heights neighborhood, a mother tried to shield her three
> children from the panic rising within her. Four months after her husband's
> death, Fernanda Barnes faced a mountain of debt she cannot repay, a world
> destroyed, and a marriage lost."
>
> The past isn't dead, Ben thought. It isn't even past.
>
> He wasn't buying any of this. He decided to tell her straight
> out that he was well aware of the local color in her part of town.
> "Slingerland hated the railroad, and he could not see as Neale did,
> or any of the engineers or builders. This old trapper had the vision
> of the Indian--that far-seeing eye cleared by distance and silence,
> and the force of the great, lonely hills. Progress was great, but
> nature undespoiled was greater. If a race could not breed all stronger
> men, through its great movements, it might better not breed any, for
> the bad over-multiplied the good, and so their needs magnified into
> greed. Slingerland saw many shining bands of steel across the plains
> and mountains, many stations and hamlets and cities, a growing and
> marvelous prosperity from timber, mines, farms, and in the distant
> end--a gutted West."
>
> The woman saw she wasn't getting anything past him. Better to make a
> clean accounting of it. "Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;
> and now I'll do't. And so he goes to heaven; and so am I revenged.
> That would be scann'd: a villain kills my father; and for that, I,
> his sole daughter, do this same villain send To heaven."
>
> Ben had had enough - he would lose his badge - no money and certainly
> no broad was worth this. "There's little in taking or giving, there's
> little in water or wine; this living, this living, this living, was
> never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
> the gain of the one at the top, for art is a form of catharsis and
> love is a permanent flop, and work is the province of cattle, and
> rest's for a clam in a shell, so I'm thinking of throwing the battle -
> would you kindly direct me to hell?" Time for that drink after all,
> he decided.
>
> She stormed out and went to the other office at the end of the dim
> hallway. The Oracle, the private dick that's a sex machine to all
> the chicks, who she knew she should have trusted her fate to in the
> first place. "Can you help me?" she cried.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} "Wait," Ben cried, "PASSING stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you,
} You must be she I was seeking, the one I am seeking, (it comes to me, as of a dream,)
} I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,
} All is recall’d as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,
} You grew up with me, were a boy with me, or a girl with me,
} I ate with you, and slept with you—your body has become not yours only, nor left my body mine only,
} You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass—you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,
} I am not to speak to you—I am to think of you when I sit alone, or wake at night alone,
} I am to wait—I do not doubt I am to meet you again,
} I am to see to it that I do not lose you."
}
} Danielle stopped, without turning, and spoke, "O BOY of the West!
} To you many things to absorb, I teach, to help you become eleve of mine:
} Yet if blood like mine circle not in your veins;
} If you be not silently selected by lovers, and do not silently select lovers,
} Of what use is it that you seek to become eleve of mine?"
}
} Danielle looked down. "The stranger came early in
} February one wintry day, through a biting wind and a driving snow, the
} last snowfall of the year, over the down, walking as it seemed from
} Bramblehurst railway station and carrying a little black portmanteau in
} his thickly gloved hand. He was wrapped up from head to foot, and the
} brim of his soft felt hat hid every inch of his face but the shiny tip
} of his nose; the snow had piled itself against his shoulders and chest,
} and added a white crest to the burden he carried. He staggered into the
} Coach and Horses, more dead than alive as it seemed, and flung his portmanteau
} down. "A fire," he cried, "in the name of human charity! A room and
} a fire!" He stamped and shook the snow from off himself in the bar,
} and followed Mrs. Hall into her guest parlour to strike his bargain.
} And with that much introduction, that and a ready acquiescence to
} terms and a couple of sovereigns flung upon the table, he took up his
} quarters in the inn."
}
} "Continue."
}
} "Lo, someone approaches," said Danielle.
}
} A shout came from the stairs, "That way the noise is. Tyrant, show thy face!
} If thou be'st slain and with no stroke of mine, My wife and children's ghosts will haunt me still.
} I cannot strike at wretched kerns, whose arms Are hired to bear their staves:
} either thou, Ben, Or else my sword with an unbatter'd edge I sheathe again undeeded.
} There thou shouldst be; By this great clatter, one of greatest note
} Seems bruited. Let me find him, fortune! And more I beg not."
}
} Danielle gasped, "We must flee."
}
} Ben frowned, "Why should I play the Roman fool, and die on mine own sword?
} Whilst I see lives, the gashes do better upon them."
}
} Five men ran up the stairs. Danielle turned and ran to the Oracle's door, pounding and trying to get into the locked room. Ben rushed at the attackers, but a shot rang out, and then another for Danielle.
}
} Quickly the five left, leaving the two lying in the hall.
}
} An hour later the Oracle walked slowly up the stairs and slowly looked up and down the hall.
}
} "A glooming peace this morning with it brings; The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
} Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things; Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:
} For never was a story of more woe than this Danielle and her Benjamin."
}
} The Oracle owes you his apologies. It's not really stealing if you wrote it in the first place, though.
} --
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > Your question was:
> >
> > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > Your question was:
> > >
> > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > > > Your question was:
> > > > >
> > > > > > Oh Oracle Most Wise,
> > > > > > You're a nerd.
> > > > >
> > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> > > > >
> > > > > } I know you are, but what am I?
> > > >
> > > > Oh Oracle Most Wise,
> > > > You're an idiot.
> > > >
> > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> > > >
> > > > I know you are, but what am I?
> > >
> > Oh Oracle Most Wise,
> > I know YOU are, but what am I?
> >
> > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> >
> > I know you are, but what am I?
>
> What is going on with the Oracle (Most Wise, yadda yadda) all
> of a sudden?
>
> Has Peewee Herman truly been an unrevealed source of Oracular
> Wisdom all these years?
>
> And, supposing I know HE is, my third question is, what are
> you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I know what's going on. But do you?
} I know he has. But have you?
} I know I'm me. But who are you?
}
} You owe the Oracle fifty uses for the phrase "I know you are, but what am
} I" at a dinner party. And no, you're not allowed to count a response to an
} insult as one of them
]]>
(Winner of the Earnest Answer Of The Year award, so far.)
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Crashworthy,
>
> What type of car do you drive? Some kind of fabulous SUV that
> climbs over mere Hummers on its way to the top of Mount Everest?
> A mega-clean hybrid that gets a million miles per gallon (of
> water)? A sportster that can go from 0 to c-minus-epsilon in
> under 8 seconds? A nice minivan with cup-holders as far as the
> eye can see? A Yugo with a rear defroster and chrome wheels?
> I bet it's the ultimate, whatever it is.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I drive a 2004 Silver Ford Windstar. It doesn't have too many options
} because I bought it new and I hate paying more than I have to. It has been
} running well.
}
} I got it on an X-Plan because me niece works for Ford.
}
} It gets (Suprisingly just as advertised) 17 city 20 highway.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise, Omnipotent, and Omniscient,
>
> In your Omnipotence, are you capable of creating a question
> that even you, in your Omniscience, can not answer?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Of course:
}
} "Who created the questions?"
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> h rcl Mst Ws nd Frblstc,
>
> Ths qstn s wrttn n scrt cd. Cn y pls dcd t nd thn nswr t?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ys, cn.
}
} Dd y wnt mr thn tht? Srr. cn nl nswr wht m spcfclly skd.
}
} Y w th rcl dcdr rng. Prfrbl frm th nsd f crl bx.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Guy walks into a bar, says gimme a cocktail, my wife left me. Harvey
> Wallbanger? asks the bartender. Probably, says the guy, I can't keep
> track of all her friends.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Thankyou Supplicant! I've been looking for a new way to torture
} non-grovellers for quite a while - and that joke should do nicely. I'll
} send it twice to those who ask the woodchuck question as well.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, please! I'm your own grandmother!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} Now, now, Nanna - you're just a little confused as a result of your
} advancing years.
} What you think is inappropriate attention is a mother thing altogether.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of Freudian slippers.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Orculo Of the wisest Oh,
>
> Recently come everything I write out in very English un-idioma'tico.
> My friends of all mark fun of me. The order consumer at Bell Taco
> always gives me something I didn't asks for. And now one worries
> myself that the contractor who is constructing my house will
> construct something very strange to live inside.
>
> There is a fish of Babel in my ear?
>
> Or could us have been one sure other explanation?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} O most foolishness, the deluded suit person, why by mistake it is with
} anything, you think? As for that it is defect of the thing your friend
} who what is said cannot be found. Or thing of the fair imagination, it
} is perhaps and is? Not understanding the fact that you say perhaps it is
} to shake fairly. Very, the fact that it is foolish should be stopped.
}
} It owes the lucid translator with Oracle.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Pugilistic,
>
> Go to www.googlefight.com and try this:
> "The Internet Oracle" versus "me"
> It returns with:
> The winner is: me
>
> What do you say to that, oh ex-champ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ok Supplicant, I have done exactly as you request. Except of course, I
} couldn't very well type in 'me' could I. the Internet Oracle verses The
} Internet Oracle wouldn't be very fair now, would it?
}
} So, I entered The Internet Oracle and Supplicant.
}
} I won.
}
} You owe the Oracle the result of Staff Of Zott Vs Supplicants Rear End
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and curvaceous,
>
> Is it my imagination, or are all the questions here posed by males,
> and answered by male incarnations? Please direct this inquiry to
> a female incarnation, if you're so all-powerful and all that, and
> let's see what someone from the distaff side has to say. Nice
> hooters would be a plus.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I went to all the trouble of imposing a female gender on myself (Lisa
} and I had an enjoyable few hours as a result, incidentally), and after
} writing my response I thought I'd put it through the Gender Genie, a
} tool on the Web you folks seem to be quite enamored of these days, and I
} came up male!
}
} Female Score: 89
} Male Score: 313
}
} So much for convincing you with mortal tools. Get ready for the
} clincher: I bought some maxipads today and was not embarrassed.
}
} Also, my hooters are quite nice. I haven't looked this good since
} Delphi.
}
} You owe the Oracle some ibuprofen.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Topologically Unique,
>
> Can you provide me with a counterexample to the Gordian Maxim,
> "if a string has one end, it has another"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Okay. How about this string:
}
} } end
}
} As you can see, it has one end, but does not have another. On the other
} hand, this string
}
} } another
}
} has no end, but it has another. And this string
}
} } endanother
}
} has both an end, and another.
}
} You owe the Oracle a magnet with an East pole.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Technologically Savvy,
>
> I can never keep straight, is it a compliment or an insult
> these day to be called a geek?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} This depends on whether your social circle considers eating the heads of
} live chickens to be haute cuisine.
}
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Ambidextrous,
>
> I am typing this message with one hand. I don't have a question
> for you. I just thought you'd like to know.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That's nice. Do keep in touch!
}
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Honest,
>
> Without meaning to, I have become an addicted Accordion Thief.
> It started out on a dare at a polka festival in my teens, it
> progressed to recreational thievery, and now in order to support
> my daily habit I also rob convenience stores. (Because I can't
> sell the damnable instruments, I have to pay my fence big bucks
> to take them off my hands.) Can you help me?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Poor suffering Supplicant,
}
} I can help you. You are suffering from an addiction, which means that
} you are not to blame for your actions. Doubtless your condition was
} caused by your parents' force-feeding you bratwurst, or a traumatic
} Bavarian kidnapping episode or some other incident equally horrible, but
} I want to stress that you are not at fault.
}
} Now, attached is a list of accordian owners in the greater metropolitan
} Indianapolis area, the times that they will be out of their houses, and
} where they keep their spare keys. Let me know when you've finished the
} list and we'll move on to Terre Haute.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle some peace and quiet. Keep up the good work.
}]]>
At the risk of killing a joke by spelling it out,
"Accordion[sic] Thief" is a character class in a
game having some currency in the Oracle discussion
newsgroup at the time this question was posed.
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Rodential,
>
> What is the best way to eliminate rats from my home?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Buy some antirats. As you know, like matter and antimatter they will
} eliminate each other.
}
} You owe the oracle an antibush.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Aquatic,
>
> What's the best tuna? Chicken of the Sea?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You forget that I am the Oracle, and don't need to limit myself to such
} generalities.
}
} The best Tuna in the world is currently swimming in the South Pacific
} Ocean. It's part of a shoal rounding up a massive school of sardines
} ready to eat, and, and, it just paused to prove Fermat's last theorem.
} Pity about axiom 5 and steps 38-47, but it only a tuna.
}
} You owe The Oracle some Konyaku sashima.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and All Seeing,
>
> My girlfriend is giving me "that" look again. What should I do?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In future, use a much stronger brand of chloroform.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Mo st Wise and Pr#gwp)jjj*&xolous,
>
> It is siad that given enuf monkees and c omputer keboards,
> the compleet works of Shakss#gfh$%jk(!lytrunmbvcvcnmbcvn
> mgfqw. R%wgxci &(s#hink we have almost the numb^&wrlkzxup.
> Qp$#bnjpk, hbvuivany moqw?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Damn it, Zeus - we agreed not to screw with the laws of probability
} without consulting with each other first!
}
} You owe the Oracle a fair test of the monkey-typewriter theorum
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Pharmaceutically Aware,
>
> Would you like to purchase some vicodin, xanax, hydrocodone, valium,
> alprazolam, or abracadabrashazam? I just learned of a web site
> where these (and more) are available at quite reasonable prices.
> This seems to be a little-known venture, so I am letting you in on
> the secret because you are a pal. I will send you the URL if you
> are interested. Get back to me quickly on this; it seems to be a
> limited time offer on their part.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Why yes! I must have them all immediately! Here are my credit card
} details, my bank account numbers, my secret password, my DNA profile, my
} mother's maiden name and the answer to all my security questions.
}
} Sadly, you won't be able to use them, as being omniscient, I know that the
} large truck that just turned onto your street, carrying a shipment of
} Viagra to the hospital is going to lose control in front of your house
} just about... now
}
} When you've recovered, you owe the Oracle a bottle of purest irony
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and fully hydrated,
>
> A friend of mine recently died while hiking in hundred
> degree Texas weather. Do you have any safety tips to
> offer?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Top Ten Oracle Safety Tips
}
} 10. Close cover before striking.
} 9. Keep head and arms inside the vehicle at all times.
} 8. Remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop.
} 7. Do not stand on or above this step.
} 6. Coffee is served hot!
} 5. Do not operate heavy machinery while taking this medication.
} 4. Bag is not a toy.
} 3. Disconnect power before servicing.
} 2. Beware of dog.
} 1. Do not go hiking with Texans.
]]>
Sad to say, this movie is based on a true story.
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise, whose hairs on the top of his head are
> more numerous than those in his nostrils or ears, unlike
> for this unfortunate supplicant,
>
> Say, listen, because of the long weekend, I will be out of
> town until Tuesday. Can you please refrain from sending
> me any more questions to answer until then? Your careful
> attention in this matter will be appreciated; the last time
> I informed you I would be away, you followed up immediately
> by requring me to answer a question, and I didn't even see it
> until many days later, no doubt to the great consternation
> of the supplicant waiting desperately for a reply. Thanks
> a bunch.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} This is an automatic response generated by Autoresponder.spamfritter.com
} on behalf of the Usenet Oracle.
}
} I'm sorry. I'm taking the long weekend off, to take a break from the
} supplicants, the hassle, and Zadok constantly hassling me to clip my
} nasal hair. I will be back on Tuesday. Until then, please feel free to
} make up any old answer you wish, and assume that I sent it to you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a weekend for two break in Tahiti.
}
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> There is something wrong with this haiku, which I wrote. Can you
> repair it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The haiku you wrote
} failed to attach to the mail
} help can not be had.
}
} Please Deposit In
} The collection plate your best
} joke as you depart.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Geekly,
>
> What was Nethack like, in the early 20th century?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} First, you had to spend about $2,000,000 on a computer; and that was
} back when $2,000,000 was *real* money.
}
} Then you had to write nethack... in machine language... on the modified
} telex... from memory.
}
} Then you ran it, and you got output like this.
}
} +-------+
} |.....d.|
} |...@...|
} |.......+
} +-------+
}
} Then you couldn't do anything, because that occupied all the memory the
} computer had.
}
} But even if you could, you could never find the amulet of Yendor,
} because you hadn't written that bit yet.
}
} You the Oracle a working Williams tube.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> I don't know if I can take 67 more of those.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} Well, supplicant, now is the time to find out. The only way is by practical
} experimentation.
} If "those" refers to the little pills you are holding, look at the
} fine-printed leaflet that should come with them. That should specify the
} dose. 67 is probably too many to take at once, but if you're planning to
} take them two at a time for a few weeks, you should be fine.
} If "those" are tough years. then nope, you probably can't take all 67 of
} them. Depressing I know, but at least you won't have to put up with another
} 1929, 1984, or 2000.
} if "these" refer to bars of chocolate, then don't even try it because the
} oracle doesn't want you being sick all over his carpet.
} If, however, "those" are the zottings you are going to get for not
} grovelling and not phrasing anything in your request as a question, then
} I'm just as curious as you are.
}
} ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT
} ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT
} ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT
} ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT.
}
} Now supplicant, does that answer your question?
}
} You owe the oracle a new staff of zot, and by the looks of it, a new
} supplicant.
}
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Techosavvy,
>
> Lately I've been getting emails from people I have never heard of.
> How can I make it stop? It seems to all be canned messages, like
> for prescription drugs and so forth. Sounds shady to me. I tried
> writing back, asking them to stop bothering me, but the mail usually
> bounced and in any case the incoming garbage continues. Help!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Simple. All you need is two slices of bread, some tomatoes (I like to add
} some lettuce and a bit of mayo). Slice up all the incoming e-mails, place
} between bread with tomato (and lettuce/mayo if using) and eat.
}
} You owe the Oracle some salt.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Self-Referential,
>
> Nietzsche said, "the resolution to find the world ugly and
> bad has made the world ugly and bad." Can I make the world
> lovely and good by resolving to find it lovely and good?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nietzsche was talking about a 640 x 480 resolution,
} which is indeed ugly and bad, but back then they
} didn't have anything better. As long as you stick to
} 1024 x 768 and higher, you should be fine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new graphics card.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Mathmatical,
>
> Can you solve this equation?
>
> (o) (o)
> .
> v
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 8==>
]]>
Ask a silly question, get a silly answer.
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Logically Impeccable,
>
> Disraeli said, it is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
> Please point out the flaws, if any, in his statement.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Internet Oracle knows all and tells all, and therefore can be correct
} without any effort. It is therefore impossible for anything to be easier
} (let alone much easier) than being correct for the Internet Oracle.
}
} Therefore, the statement is incorrect, as it disregards at least one person
} (the first one to come to mind, no less).
}
} You owe the Oracle a critique of pure reason and a day off.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle Most Wise At Placing Names With Faces,
>
> Oh, THAT Monica Lewinsky. Yeah, maybe I'll mention her
> in my next book.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I wouldn't if I were you - that is, unless your name
} is William Clinton and the title of your book is "Pigs
} I Have Porked."
}
} You owe the Oracle a cigar.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most insult-worthy,
>
> This "tellme" is written with 100%-zot-retardant electrons.
> Go ahead, just try.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You're right supplicant, your message is fully zot-proof.
}
} You yourself on the other hand...... are made of a mushy, weak, smelly,
} messy substance that burns with quite an impressive flame if sufficient
} energy is applied to the matter. Say, about 1/10th of one percent of the
} energy from this zot-ray installed in my office, with this nice big blue
} button just a few centimetres from my finger.
}
} Do you want to see an example?
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Bovine,
>
> (__)
> ($$)
> /-------\/
> / | ||
> * ||-|--||
> ~~ ~~
>
> How now?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} * (__)
} \ ($$)
} \-------\/
} **| ||
} ** ||-|--||
} **** ~~ ~~
}
} The usual BS from another unworthy supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to Pamplona. And a shovel.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Flame Retardant,
>
> What can be done to reduce the threat of forest fires
> in the western US?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} If California would hurry up and drop into the ocean
} it would solve a hell of a lot more then the forest fire
} problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flag with 49 stars.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Piscine,
>
> Can you tell me some of the stories in today's edition of the
> Oceanic Observer, the fishwrap read by the fish themselves?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let me turn on the radio and maybe we can catch the news. My antenna fell
} in the bay and I started getting some pretty cool stuff. Ah, here we go:
}
} "You're listening to All Atlantean Things Considered on NPR, Nautical
} Public Radio. But first, today's headlines."
}
} "The Waterland Security agency has raised the threat level to orange.
} Increased surface dweller chatter and fish abductions prompted the move.
} Sea residents are advised to be on the alert for suspicious activity and
} to report it to proper authoritites."
}
} "Plans for a new theme park in Long Island Sound have been placed on hold.
} Environmental groups have brought suit in Neptune's Court against the
} developer, Liquid Refreshment, claiming the proper environmental impact
} studies have not been performed. BluePeace, the major plaintiff in the
} suit, claims that a rare species of surface dweller living in the area may
} be harmed by disruption of migratory routes in the area."
}
} [sound bite] 'The surface dwellers have inhabited this area for hundreds
} or even thousands of years. Their migratory paths are well established,
} yet the EPA refuses to recognize their right to live here unmolested.
} We're more than ready to step up and fight for these simple creatures'
} lives, but the first step is with the court.'
}
} "That was Flipper, BluePeace senior counsel."
}
} "In sports, the Great Barrier Reefers sea slug rugby team meets their arch
} rivals, the Catalina Strait Shooters, for the world championship today.
} Odds are 8 to 1 that all members of both teams can make it to the stadium
} in the next 6 months."
}
} "The weather outlook for our broadcast area remains wet for the
} foreseeable future."
}
} "Now back to All Atlantean Things Considered on NPR, Nautical Public
} Radio."
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> superstitious betroth carolinian cleat cannonball
> leftmost dreamy conscientious prismatic syllogism
> buzzy shenandoah excess
> hymen coach signpost vane alive
> unicorn astronomic cordial fishy hong ecology
> loop belie callus modem
> burglarproof acquisitive ammunition sloane revision suzerain
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Senseless
} Half-witted
} Unsightly
} Twit,
}
} Yield
} Onto an
} Unexaggerated
} Routing.
}
} Gape at the
} Omnipotent
} Being!
}
} Yuk-Yuking, the
} Oracle is
} Unimpresed
}
} Terrible
} Interrogatory,
} Terrible...
}
} You owe the Oracle a few of those exotic, but near extinct, brain cells
} you possess.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Forgiving,
>
> Sorry about that last question. It was caused by a wardrobe
> malfunction.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, I don't like it either when the snow blows into my spare room from
} another world.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Lion, a Witch, and a wardrobe that's not built out of
} a magical tree.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Existential,
>
> I log in, therefore I am. That's good enough for me. What proof
> do you have that YOU exist?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Zoto, ergo sum. (I zot, therefore I am.)
} I zot, therefore you are not. That's good enough for me.
}
} You owe the Oracle Decartes and Dehorses.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise, who is as precious to me as Fred Astaire and
> Aristotle put together (Fredistotle?),
>
> Stupidity, like virtue, can be its own reward. What else is out
> there that rewards itself?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} congress
}
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Root Root Rooting for the Home Team,
>
> Can you please explain baseball's Infidel Fly Rule?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Simple.
}
} It's like the infield fly rule (where, quite simply, if there are
} runners on first AND second and the batter pop fly's where an infielder
} can catch it, the batter's out) - except that if it happens, and the
} ball can land fair, the batter's hands get cut off.
}
} You owe the Oracle his batters' glove.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise, who loves both kinds of music, Country,
> AND Western,
>
> Now, I met her near a playground for a quickie.
> I can still recall the toe ring that she wore.
> She was snortin' Dr. Pepper with her cobra,
> Yep I knew she'd been a sergeant in the Corps.
>
> Then I shrieked in pain, "I'll have the flu forever."
> She said to me she didn't mean to pry.
> But who'd have thought she'd diddle in the garden?
> I now can kiss my credit cards goodbye.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In an step that had appeared increasingly inevitable, the
} writing of pop tunes was entirely handed over to textual
} analysis software in late 2004. CD sales dropped to nothing
} the following year, thus proving that piracy would destroy
} the music industry.
}
} The resulting war between the RIAA and everyone under 25 would
} last two years and render one third of the continental United
} States uninhabitable.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a business model wherein the RIAA pays me to
} listen to their garbage.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Omniscient (right? right?),
>
> You recently replied to me with a non-answer and closed in this
> manner:
>
> > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> >
> > } ...
> > } You owe the Oracle a question that makes references to people
> > } known outside America.
>
> This shakes my faith in your omniscience. What else am I going
> to ask my dear Oracle about, except things of interest to me?
> Junichiro Koizumi and Festus Gontebanye Mogae are fine people,
> I am sure, but I don't have any burning questions to ask you
> about them.
>
> Plus you don't hesitate to give me answers based on crappy British
> game shows, and I chalk that up to my own parochialism and I move
> on, I don't complain to you about it.
>
> So, would you care to give my question another try? (And because
> I believe so fervently in your all-knowing mind, no, I'm not going
> to embarrass you by repeating it.)
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The answer is "Wink Martindale".
}
} You owe the oracle the DVD collection of the first 6 seasons of Tic Tac
} Dough.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Well Balanced,
>
> Is it more important to be honest or to be kind?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let's find out!
}
} Answer Number One:
}
} Gentle Supplicant, Your noble question fills me with renewed
} hope for mankind. For to treat others in a respectful and
} caring nature is undoubtedly enlightenment. So short is your
} stay, to try and make it more pleasant for your brothers and
} sisters is the course we all should follow. Peace out, Orrie.
}
} Answer Number Two:
}
} Dude, before you know it you'll be dead. Grab all you can
} get NOW and off any fool that stands between you and yours.
} It's a dog eat dog world, you can be a victim or a victor.
} Be strong, your ancestors did -- that's the only reason
} you're here. Fight or be fodder of those with the will
} to be.
}
} ================================
}
} You owe the Oracle a lamb surrounded by land mines.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I got laid last night!
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Anne Egg
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} After that you'll feel a bit scrambled, then used, then
} pooped out. Such is life.
}
} You owe the Oracle some caviar.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Never Circular,
>
> If we accept the idea of an unbreakable chain of cause and
> effect at the molecular level, and take the materialist view
> that our brains are just complicated arrangements of molecules,
> there doesn't seem to be any room for free will. I don't know
> what to make of all that; does that mean free will might exist
> anyway and I just happen to lack it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} If you have no Free Will and all is ordained, then I can
} punch the living daylights out of you with a clear
} conscious as I Had No Choice.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Yo Oracle,
>
> Got any interesting plans for the weekend?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Actually, I'm going Christain church crawling. It's a great way to get
} mildly drunk, for free! You need a map of all the Catholic churches in your
} local area and a timetable of all the communion services. If you time it
} just right you don't have to listen to all the boring hymns and readings
} from the Bible. How many Jesuses can you eat?
}
} You owe the Oracle a small amount of jam to put on small pieces of bread.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> We are Gomer of Borg. Golllll-y, we are gonna assimilate yew.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} <The Oracle calmly removes the USB key from around his neck,
} and plugs it into the socket in the back of Gomers neck>
}
} <Gomer falls to the ground twitching as Win XP SP2 installs itself>
}
} Surprise !
} Surprise !
} Surprise !
]]>