Undigested Answers
These are the answers I have written that look as if will never be published
as Oracularities in a Digest.
In some circles these are known as Sore Loser oracularities.
I'm not saying they're all great,
and even some of the ones I do think are good
are clearly "inappropriate" to be published (Indigestible),
but I enjoyed writing them
and want to inflict them on someone other than the lonely Supplicant.
If you enjoy reading the real Digests,
perhaps you'll enjoy "more in a similar vein."
Another
Ayahuasca
Beep
BladeRunner
Bris
Cat
Cohesion
Contact
DaVinci
Fax
Finnegan
GenX
Gun
Hamlet
Hell
Imbeciles
Incoherent
Increase
Iraq
Joke
Lice
Lonely
Mask
Merry
Microsoft
Movies
Number
Perp
Pirate
Portland
Power
Ready
Russia
Server
Shady
Shiftkey
Similes
Student
Three
Twocows
Yoga
Young
Yum
Zoy
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Zoy!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yez! Zoy zauce iz precizely what waz dizremembered to add
} to your Zzechwan Zhrimp. Pleaze accept hot and zour zoup,
} gratiz, az well az chef'z deepezt apologiez. He will be
} commiting hara-kiri to zatizfy thiz overzight. Oopz, forgot,
} thiz iz not Japaneze reztaurant anymore, muzt perform zeppuku
} inztead. Iz zame.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bonsai tree, buckaroo.
]]>
I guess some idiot tried to write Zot as his askme, and still bollixed it.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dearest Oracle, repository of all knowledge, tantric and carnal: Will
> yoga improve my sex life?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh, definitely. In fact, here are 13 top tips from a renowned Yogi.
}
}
} 13. Sex is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical.
}
} 12. I usually have a two-hour wank, from 1:00 to 4:00.
}
} 11. If the people don't want to have sex, nobody's going to stop them.
}
} 10. 50% of all sex is below average.
}
} 9. If you can't imitate his technique in bed, don't copy him.
}
} 8. Men go over there, women go over there, the rest of you, come with me.
}
} 7. So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone have sex with his face.
} Oh, wait.
}
} 6. Well, I used to have sex like this when I was young, and now I still do.
}
} 5. You give 100 percent the first half of the night,
} and if that isn't enough, in the second half, you give what's left.
}
} 4. You can observe a lot by watching.
}
} 3. It's deja vu all over again.
}
} 2. It ain't over 'til it's over.
}
} 1. With sex, you don't know *nothing*.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a mantra from a tantra.
]]>
I didn't think this one was SOOO off-color as to be Indigestible.
Maybe it relies too much on knowing what the original Yogi Berra quotes are.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most wise and munificent Oracle, mightier than Microsoft, more powerful than
> Linex,
> Thou who has more licenses then the SCO
> As I sob into the mess that is called Outlook express and the other that is
> called networking using XP pro
> Will Microsoft never die?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} MICROSOFT TO CEASE OPERATIONS, LIQUIDATE
} Experts Predict Business As Usual for Most
} Americans, Status Quo for Foreigners Living
} Abroad; Authorities Urge Calm; President
} Riots in Streets
}
} April 23, 2017 4:53 AM EST
} Redmond, WA (MSNBC)--
}
} Microsoft head honcho and all around swell guy Bill Gates today
} announced that the Company had closed its doors as of one minute
} past midnight this morning, and both remaining employees would
} be turned away and sent home if they happened to not hear the
} news and arrived for work anyway. Severance packages were
} estimated to be approximately zilch.
}
} "Basically I've got all the money now," was Gates's explanation
} for the decision to liquidate the company. "It's not as if I
} enjoyed the process of creating software, even at the beginning.
} I just wanted the money." Consumer software sales had been
} halted two years previously, due to lack of marketplace demand,
} and commercial sales had also been dwindling. "It just wasn't
} worth the effort anymore. Let it die. I plan to spend the
} rest of my days playing Bridge, assuming I can locate a partner
} and opponents willing to play by my rules," he said with a wink.
}
} Spokesmen for Exxon/Mobil/Chevron/Texaco/BP/Shell/RaysSavBigOnGas,
} the other remaining corporation, and loyal longtime customer
} of Microsoft, could not be reached for comment, likely from
} their having gone out of business at one minute before midnight
} the previous night due to crushing debt burdens owed to
} MSMellonChaseSalomonFidelity.
}
} A spokesman for MSNBC was unable to provide an explanation for
} how this wire report could have been issued, given that they
} had ceased operations too.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a tin cup with some pencils.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh wise Oracle, whose mail servers are studlier and more
> standards-complient than anyone else's,
>
> Do you find an increase in questions immediately after the publishing
> of an issue of the Oracularities?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh definitely. And what's worse, the quality of the answers goes
} straight down.
}
} You owe the Oracle another metric besides quantity.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> hElpmE,myShiFtkEyisbRokeN,andTheSpacebArisGone1!
> WhaTShouLDIDoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo??//?
> Iambroke1!IHAvenO44$.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} An interesting, creative pose, I'll give you that much. But
} a poor-resolution JPG like this makes it difficult to tell a
} freckle from a mole. Besides that, you shouldn't be sending
} pornography to the Oracle. I've got a sufficient supply, and
} it's always a risk when I open up an attachmentsUchastHiSoNe,
} oHnoitseemsmyShiFtkEyisbRokeN,andTheSpacebArisGone1!
}
} yOuoWEtHeoRAcLe44$ForsOMeAnTiVirUSsOftwaRe,SCraPeUptHEMoNEYSOmEhoW.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, tell me if it is the will of the universe that i enter a
> treatment program in Peru utilizing ayahuasca.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hello! And welcome to another exciting installment of Who Wants
} To Be A Drug Dealer! I'm your host, The Internet Oracle, and I'd
} go over the rules of the game but a bunch of stoners like you don't
} care, do you? Hey hey ho! Nailed that one, hey Zadoc? [Pause for
} canned laughter and applause.] So let's get right to the game. Our
} first contestant is Richard Marin. Cheech, say hello to your fans.
}
} "Eh man, I don't wanna be no drug dealer. I don't want no trouble.
} I just use a little, y'know? Medicinal. It's legalized for that
} now, y'know?"
}
} Yes, Cheech, I had a feeling this was a mistake, hey hey ho!
} [laughter] The standard waiver which contestants sign includes
} a clause stating that you're not high when you come on the show,
} but of course if you're already high then you might sign ANYTHING.
} Nailed that one, hey Zadoc? [laughter] Our roving search team
} will have to think some more about that, hey hey ho! Let's move
} on to contestant number two. John Smith. Hey hey ho, Zadoc, now
} THAT's original! [laughter] We had a guy with the same name last
} week, are you related? [laughter] Okay, "John", what have you got
} for us?
}
} "I got anything you want, dude, just ask."
}
} Can you be more specific, please? Something unique, maybe?
}
} "I got anything you want, dude, just ask."
}
} Suggest something.
}
} "What are you, the Law, dude? You're not catching ME in some sting
} operation, I'm not stupid. If YOU ask me for something, and I give
} it to you and then you arrest me, it's entrapment, dude. I know my
} rights. I got anything you want, dude, just ask."
}
} Um, oooookay, I'm not sure you're on solid legal grounds, not that
} that matters, hey hey ho! Maybe we'll come back to you later in the
} show, "John". [laughter] And now our third and final contestant,
} known simply as Supplicant. Do YOU want to be a drug dealer,
} Supplicant?
}
} "Oracle, tell me if it is the will of the universe that i enter a
} treatment program in Peru utilizing ayahuasca."
}
} Treatment Program? Oh, good one, Supplicant. I think we've got some
} promise with this contestant, Zadoc, hey hey ho! So, Supplicant, do
} you by any chance just "happen" to have a sample with you, for me to
} perform an analysis on? You do? Nailed that one, hey Zadoc, hey hey
} ho! [laughter] All right let's give this sample a try.
}
} Hm.
}
} Good body, nice texture, ah, and just the right amount of DMT. Very
} smooth blend, not too overpowering. Ayahuasca can be awfully New
} Age-y on the one hand, or can provoke nausea on the other, but this
} sample has an unusually nice balance that avoids either extreme.
} A strong fruity character, with a pronounced overtone of vanilla;
} an elegant yet impertinent little vintage.
}
} Extremely visual. I like that. Oh, I like that a lot.
}
} Wow, a cloud forest. Definitely. And a Chinchelejo, no wait, it's
} a whole swarm of the little buggers. Flowing, flowing, right at me.
} Not the usual mundane geometric shapes, no sir. Now I feel open, I
} feel as if I am the bamboo flute, the channel, as if I give birth,
} let it out top and bottom, all through me an open channel, pour it
} through. It's as though my womb has opened up, and I didn't even
} know I HAD a womb. Yes I give up, I surrender. My shoes, the place,
} my hair, the space, nothing matters, nothing outer matters, I am
} blowing through, being blown through. I breathe right down to my
} anus. I flow into the song. My movement is one with the song, I
} almost know the words, I'll just hum along for the time being.
}
} Yes, you've got some visionary ayahuasca here, Supplicant.
}
} Authentic Peruvian stuff; whoever your suppliers are, they really
} know how to put the Ethno in Ethnobotanical. They really put the
} Spirit in the Spirit Molecule with this one, Zadoc, hey hey ho!
} They put the ... Hey hey ho, God, what are you doing on the closed-
} circuit TV monitor, good to see you again man, how's it hangin'?
} It's been a while since... oh Zadoc, it's just you standing in
} front of the monitor, get out of the way, you numbskull. [laughter]
} Still, pretty good likeness of the Almighty, and I think it had more
} to do with the potency of the sample than any omnipotence Zadoc can
} muster, hey hey ho! [laughter]
}
} I liked the whole experience, it's got a good beat to dance to, I
} give it a ten. YOU nailed this one, Supplicant. Hey hey ho!
}
} You owe the Oracle another hit of this stuff.
]]>
I felt like I was writing Digest-quality material here,
and that it could have gotten a good rating if a Priest had selected it,
but perhaps the drug topic was deemed too far from the mainstream.
I knew nothing about Ayahuasca before receiving this question,
but a bit of Googling turned up some first-hand accounts
that were funny enough ("my womb has opened up",
"breathe right down to my anus") that I included them nearly verbatim with
only minor additional tweaking to make it fit.
Maybe conceiving the Oracle as a vague combination of Wink Martindale
and Ed McMahon struck the Priest badly.
Or maybe it's just the classic case of falling in love with one's own writing.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Last week my cousin Ernie asked you to ZOT me but
> you zotted him instead. Is your aim that bad? He
> lives in Portland, Maine, and I'm in Portland, Oregon.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh dear. Then that nice couple in Dorset probably deserves
} a note of apology, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Portland cement. Ernie owes the
} Oracle concrete Mapquest coordinates.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O wise and powerful Oracle,
>
> Is this gun loa-*BANG*
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, and WATCH OU- ... oh no. Zadoc! Go set up the time
} machine. No no, the ultra-light-duty one, just a few seconds
} will be enough, there's a good lad. I'll handle a couple
} hundred new questions that just came in, while I'm waiting ...
} Hm, hm, so what could be taking him? A few seconds should
} take only a few, well, seconds, though it's not linear - ah,
} here we go.
}
} > Most wise and munificent Oracle, mightier than Microsoft,
} > more powerful than Linex,
}
} No no, Zadoc, that was from almost an hour ago, just a FEW
} seconds, ten at most. Try again.
}
} > Hm, hm, so what could be taking him? A few seconds should
}
} No, you numbskull, not ten seconds ago from NOW, ten seconds
} before the FIRST time I asked you. If you'd done it properly
} in the first place... oh bloody zot, I really need to get
} around to placing that help-wanted advert. Hm, hm, ... here
} it comes, is this it?
}
} > O wise and powerful Oracle,
}
} There, that's the one. WATCH OUT, POINT THAT THING AWAY FROM ...
}
} > Is this gun loa-*BANG*-ded, HOLY CRIPES, I could have hurt
} > someone ... gee, thanks, Oracle!
}
} Don't mention it. To answer your question, yes it is. And
} to answer what you didn't ask, that "someone" was almost you.
}
} You owe the Oracle some spackling compound for the new hole
} in his wall, and a book containing the rules of Russian
} Roulette.
}
} > Say, wise and powerful Oracle, as long as I have you on
} > the line, can I ask you another question?
}
} May. Obviously you can, but yes, you may.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nickel, since it was an easy question,
} though improperly phrased.
}
} > But I ... oh, all right. O wise and powerful Oracle, MAY
} > I ask you another question, NOT COUNTING this one?
}
} Yes, but no.
}
} You owe the Oracle another nickel. They ALL count.
}
} > Argh! OK, OK. O wise and powerful Oracle, my other question
} > is this, how many bullets does this gun hold?
}
} Just one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new computer with a spreadsheet program,
} to help keep track of bullets and so forth.
}
} > A computer?!? Why is that a fair price for an easy question
} > when the other time you charged me a nickel???
}
} The Oracle decides what's fair, and what's easy. Not you,
} Supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nickel. Another easy one.
}
} > Then how do I go about applying for a refund? I would have
} > just looked for myself, to find out, if I knew it would cost
} > me a computer! I can't afford a new computer even for myself!
}
} No refunds.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nickel.
}
} > YOU JERK! Okay, so you answer questions? Yeah, that's one,
} > and here's the followup, try it on for size, doofus: How much
} > wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood???
}
} *BANG*
}
} Look at that, now it holds zero.
}
} The Oracle owes you last rites.
]]>
I still like this one a lot.
Maybe my arrogance, at assuming the Microsoft one (which it
briefly references) would be in the next Digest along with
this one, did me in.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Almighty and great Oracle, I am not worthy....But I have a question
> For your answering... Please bear with me... For i have teacher whom
> thinks she is great, amazing, and brillant... for when I try to speak
> in class discussion she instantly shots me down without remorse...
> This is a College class (w-131) at a High school level... For what is
> your advice great and power ORACLE what can and should I do?
> For my mind is growing weak and my will to work in that class is
> becoming a fuse and winding down... What shall I do if I have a
> teacher whom hates me? and a class I need to pass? Please give me the
> knowledge and understanding... Please OH GREAT ORACLE PLEASE HELP
> ME!!!!
> -Indiana Student-
> ---Cobb is Teachers name---
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Fans Of Irony, Take Note: W131 is a course entitled Elementary
} Composition.
}
} Go back and proofread your question, Supplicant, and you will
} see that "High school level" is approximately where you belong.
} Professor Cobb doesn't hate you; she is practicing Tough Love.
}
} If you feel shot down, perhaps you were not flying as high as
} you wished in the first place. What if she didn't shoot you,
} but simply located your position accurately, via radar? Accept
} that your present status is taxiing on some airport runway,
} but strive to take flight. A tried and true Flight Instruction
} manual is The Elements of Style, by Strunk and White. (Think of
} it as a Cliffs Notes version of your course textbook. Writing
} For Non-Dummies, if you will.)
}
} Work to become great, amazing, and brilliant, like your instructor,
} and you might someday teach W131 instead of being enrolled in it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a listing of your question's errors in grammar,
} spelling, and style. Be patient, because it will take you a while
} to list them all. Feel free to critique this answer in the same
} way; the Oracle is omniscient and thus knows he is only human.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Incalculable in breadth is the understanding of the Oracle,
> too deep are his insights for humanity to fathom, his ideas
> are gargantuan,
>
> Where should I place the new server?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let him use the guest bedroom until I can get Zadoc's termination
} papers completed. I really should have seen to that formality
} before hiring his replacement. Underneath this gruff exterior I'm
} really a conflict-averse kinda guy, but I guess there's no putting
} off scheduling the exit interview.
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of this new guy. With my luck, it's
} probably "Zadoc".
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle, Oracle, wherefore art thou Oracle?
> Deny thy Kinzler and refuse thy name,
> and I'll no longer be a supplicant.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be
} buried in thy eyes, and moreover, I will go with
} thee to thy uncle's.
}
} When you have multiple incarnations, it's actually
} not such a difficult feat to pull off.
}
} Thou oweth the Oracle an introduction to thy aunt.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise
>
> thank you sir, may I have another?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} > Selected-By: Orr B. Cull <oracle-b@cs.indiana.edu>
} >
} > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} > Your question was:
} >
} > > Selected-By: Orr A. Cull <oracle-a@cs.indiana.edu>
} > >
} > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} > > Your question was:
} > >
} > > > Oh Oracle Most Wise
} > > >
} > > > thank you sir, may I have another?
} > > >
} > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} > >
} > > } No, and stop bothering me. I have work to do. *ZOT*
} > > }
} > > } You owe the Oracle an interesting question.
} > >
} > > Oh Oracle Most Wise
} > >
} > > thank you sir, may I have another?
} >
} > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} >
} > } No, and stop bothering me. I have work to do. *ZOT*
} > }
} > } You owe the Oracle an interesting question.
} >
} > Oh Oracle Most Wise
} >
} > thank you sir, may I have another?
}
} No, and stop bothering me. I have work to do. *ZOT*
}
} (*sigh* It verily is no sport, torturing a masochist.
} A slow night, what can I say?)
}
} You owe the Oracle an interesting question. *sigh*
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Three?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes. And it makes her a far more interesting dance partner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pat on the back.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Heard any good jokes lately?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sure. A man calls up the local mortuary. "This is John Smith.
} I'd like to make funeral arrangements for my wife," he says. "I
} don't understand, Mr. Smith," replies the undertaker, "we buried
} your wife two years ago." "I remarried," he says. "Oh," says
} the undertaker, "congratulations, then."
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh supposedly liminally numinous Oracle,
>
> What do you owe the Supplicant?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} This supplicant here, just won't shut up, will he?
} Talk about Shady owe you, man you owe ME
} I'm calling you out right now
} Yo, lets put the nail in the coffin
}
} I don't want to be like this
} Marshall don't really want to hurt no feelings
} But I'm only being real when I say
} Nobody wants to hear an old supplicant rap
} Old men like you have heart attacks
} Now I don't want to be responsible for that
} So put the mic down and walk away
} You can still have a little bit of digni-tay
}
} I would never claim to be no Donald Rumsfeld
} An 83 year old fake George Orwell
} So how can you hold me over some Baghdad balcony
} Without throwin' your lower back out as soon as you go to lift me
} Please don't, you'll probably fall with me
} And our backsides will both be history
} But then again you'll finally get your wish
} Cuz you be all over the street like a Baathist
}
} Leash leadin' finger pointin' coward, you chump
} Gimme a one-on-one, see if I don't mess you up
} Don't even respect you or take you serious
} Its not that I don't like you, I hate you - period
} Talk about a mid-life crisis, damn
} Twenty years ago you was shakin' Hussein's hand
} Askin' me what I know about indictments - bite me
} Shoot I got two articles of impeachment for you - fight me!
} What do you know about standing in front of a judge like a man
} Ready to take whatever sentence he hands?
}
} What you know about being bullied over half your life?
} Oh thats right, you don't know nothin cuz you're so white
} Good lord, if you're that much of a gangster, put the mic down
} You should be out killin' ay-rabs yourself right now
} Kill an insurgent dead, kill'em dead, Pops
} Shoot'em in the head, go right ahead, Pops
} Slap his mom, slap the Islam outta her!
} She can't sue you, she wouldn't get a buck out of you
} Cuz you're morally broke as a freakin' joke
} If you was only sellin' coke you'd be much less of a dope
}
} Here then, let Eminem slow it down for you
} So you can understand if I say it slower:
} Let it go dawg, it's over.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nail, and several hundred coffins, Don.
]]>
Thought I had a winner here. Oh well.
Maybe Eminem lyrics aren't as well known as I thought.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I want to be a perp when I get older and get all
> the money and all the girls rightnow I am 13years
> old and cant' drive but when I am older I will be
> able to rob stores and get all the money and not
> haveto work hard like my dad the cop boy is he
> stupid having that job!!!!!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Set your sights high, Supplicant. Rather than plan
} to rob individual stores, go to a good perp school
} like Andover, and you could end up like their alum
} Paul Bremer, running a medium sized country with
} all the attendant perqs that go with that.
}
} If sex crimes are more your style, consider donning
} a wig and matriculating at Cheltenham perp school,
} where Madonna went. She gets all the girls, so
} maybe you will be able to, too.
}
} Be careful though. Pick the wrong perp school, like
} Campbell Hall in Hollywood, and you'll be plotting
} your crimes with the likes of Mary-Kate and Ashley
} Olsen instead. Ewww, as if!
}
} You owe the Oracle a tube of Perp H.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, SIR!
>
> Okay, so I have two bodies wrapped in plastic stored in one of the back
> cells, both with electrical burns to their genitals. Normally I'd just
> order one of the privates to dump them in the trash as normal, but we
> seem to be getting some bad publicity about that recently, and the brass
> is telling us to ix-nay on the orpse-cay umping-day. I mean, hell, it's
> not as if we were even getting much over 3 or 400 volts to the testicles
> before they went and dropped dead on us.
>
> How do I get rid of these friggin' hajji bodies?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That's simple enough. Put each body in an orange prison jumpsuit and
} attach some marionette strings to it. Dress yourself and some buddies
} in Arab garb, making sure to use appropriate face scarves. Oh, and
} get one of the CIA psyops guys to show you how to write "this is what
} we do to Shiite/Sunni collaborators" in Arabic; spraypaint that on each
} jumpsuit and use magic marker on his forehead. Alternate which sect
} you mention of course - don't be a dumbass by mentioning BOTH on the
} same guy. Film the body "still alive and kicking" via the strings, then
} lop its head off. (Dub in some sound effects, screaming or pleading or
} offers of oral sex, in post-production.) And fercrissake, remember to
} have at hand a big tube of camel blood to squirt during the decapitation;
} the first video looked SO lame because the dumbasses forgot all about
} the carotid.
}
} Then ump-day the orpse-cay somewhere the MPs will find it, preferably
} outside some radical mosque, and the head a half-klick distant from
} that, preferably at a rival conservative mosque. Or vice versa, they're
} all pretty much indistinguishable and I never can keep 'em straight.
} Who are we friends with this week, anyway? It'll change by the time
} you finish the video.
}
} Orpse-cay umping-day still gets the okeydoke, you just gotta do it
} right.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that has a chance IN THE WORLD of ever
} seeing the light of day in an oracularities digest, soldier; I do
} this for my own Omniscient and Omnipotent amusement but there are
} limits. At ease.
]]>
Like I said. No chance.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh wonderful, awesome and pleasant smelling Oracle, please tell me.
>
> What is the source of your power?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} My incarnation uses a commodity Pentium computer, plugged into
} a 110-volt wall outlet.
}
} The source of power to that outlet is the Sierra Pacific Power
} Company.
}
} I believe Sierra Pacific gets most of its power by burning coal.
}
} The source of coal is generally millions-years-dead matter such
} as trees.
}
} The source of trees is the energy gotten from sunlight.
}
} The source of sunlight is our sun, Sol.
}
} The source of Sol is the Big Bang.
}
} The source of the Big Bang is the mind of God, or perhaps the
} collapse of another universe after its own Big Bang ad infinitum.
}
} Take your pick how far back you want to go. "The source of The
} Internet Oracle's power is Big Bang Number Negative 27, no, make
} that Negative 28, no, no, let me think a moment more."
}
} You owe the Oracle a rechargeable penlight battery - the mind of
} God, now in a convenient portable form.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> The Usenet Oracle: You have two cows...
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yeah. And I took 'em from that smug Free Market guy down the
} street who thought he knew it all. Showed him.
}
} You owe the Oracle your two cows too, socialist smartypants.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> (looking in a mirror)
> I've been meaning to ask myself this question for a
> long time...
>
> Even though I know the answer to every question
> imaginable,
> WHY THE HELL DO I ACTUALLY SPEND ALL THIS TIME
> ANSWERING THEM FOR THESE IMBECILES??????
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In truth, I spend minimal time on the ones from delusional imbeciles.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chronometer accurate to the nanosecond.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O great and wise Oracle who could easily rise above all those bastards who
> awe everyone in the arcades when they play DDR at the highest difficulty on
> x2 speed...
>
> What is the best number?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 867-5309. Ask for Jenny.
}
} You owe the Oracle a classic tutone Corvette convertible.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Superliterate Oracle,
>
> I am charmed to discover that your answers have become more bookish in
> recent weeks. This gives me every confidence that you can answer a quick
> question: how do you read the chase around the life-tree in the third
> chapter
> of Finnegans Wake?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Love to, really I would, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. Plus,
} the cheese needs grating again, and I really need to darn the hole in
} my microwave cozy.
}
} Oh, okay. Let me be honest. I have no interest in fiddling around
} constructing a reply based on a novel written by a writer who comes
} across willfully as an English As A Second Language washout. I wish
} he had remained as obscure personally as his wordplay.
}
} If he wanted to communicate, Joyce would have been best advised to just
} say straight out what it was that was so gosh darn important to impart
} to us. Or, if he wanted to entertain, tell us some jokes or something.
} Or, just maybe, simply try writing on a night he wasn't soused to the
} gills. Or, at least do a proofreading pass the next morning to weed
} out the stuff that must have seemed funny as hell through crossed eyes
} but didn't stand up to the light of day. Or, buy an even thicker pair
} of spectacles so he could discern all the glaring typos. Or, stand
} on some streetcorner begging for alms and shouting incoherencies such
} as "those zouave players of Inkermann the mime mumming the mick and
} his nick miming their maggies" at unlucky passersby who would learn
} to walk a different route to work from then on.
}
} James Joyce had the misfortune to be born about a century too soon.
} He could be earning the big bucks today writing technical manuals.
} Imagine the joy at reading "before attaching the thruster rocket,
} insert the bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonn-
} thunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk!".
}
} You owe the Oracle fewer questions regarding sociopathic gits.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle,
>
> Whose SMTP needs no authentication and whose POP3 knows no spam
>
> Why is FAX short for facsimile? AX is not acs. And what is a facs
> anyway?
>
> and if it goes over the TELEPHONE, why not call it TELESIMILE then?
>
> and most importantly, why do I care?
>
> Thank you.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Why is FAX short for facsimile? For the same reason the drug
} Ecstasy is known as X, and the airport code for Tucson is TUX.
} A simple exercise in fonix.
}
} As for why you care... why should *I* care?
}
} You owe the Oracle a reasonable face smile.
]]>
I blew the chance to use "ecsercise" there.
Polish, polish, polish.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What's the difference between Brood X and Generation X?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} One is an annoying infestation that has proved to be difficult
} to get permanent rid of, even after many attempts. The other
} is an insect.
}
} You owe the Oracle a place to crash, just for a few weeks at
} most y'know, until He can find a job with decent pay.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> 1
> 2
> 3
> 4
> 5
> 6
> 7
> 8
> 9
> 10
>
> Ready or not, here I come!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} About the same as all the other men I've been dating lately.
}
} You owe the Oracle some improvement in your self-control.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> [Singles bar, early evening]
>
> Hi!
>
> I'm doing a survey on cheesy chat up lines. Could you take a look at
> this list, and tell me which you think is the cheesiest?
>
> [ ] "Nice top, but it'd look better on my bedroom floor!"
>
> [ ] "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
>
> [ ] "Hi, I'm doing a survey on cheesy chat up lines."
>
> Thanks,
>
> A lonely supplicant.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Lonely supplicant,
}
} Sorry, but I'm in a relationship at the present. Oh, maybe
} you didn't mean the part about the survey in quite *that*
} way.
}
} These lines seem all about on a par with each other, being
} basically variations on a single theme: "Hello, I couldn't
} help noticing, you have breasts. If you also happen to
} possess a cooter that is in good working order, then perhaps
} you and I should hie ourselves away without further ado and
} make mad passionate monkey love in my 'apartment' in my
} parents' basement."
}
} No, it is far FAR better to start things off with a genuine,
} specific compliment to her. Try this: "My, that is a lovely
} necklace; its color complements your eyes so wonderfully.
} Now, then perhaps you and I should hie ourselves away..." etc
} etc.
}
} If she's had a few drinks, the following famous short version
} may be sufficient: "Nice shoes. Wanna f---*slap* OK, have a
} nice life, and get a real pedicure sometime whydontcha." Here
} you can see one worst-case scenario from that line; even an
} Oracle strikes out now and then.
}
} But really, people sit around in singles bars because they are
} mainly waiting for somebody to come along with a better idea of
} what to do that evening. So I suggest you forget about chat up
} lines, and take the following steps: 1) think up a better idea
} of what to do that evening; 2) dispense with the unnecessary
} step of visiting the singles bar and go *do* that better idea.
}
} Chances are you'll meet an interesting woman who also had the
} gumption to get out and do something that evening, and with
} the shared area of interest you will not only come up with all
} kinds of chat up lines that practically write themselves on
} the spot, but will have something to still talk about the next
} morning too.
}
} Of course, depending on which "better idea" you come up with,
} you may find yourself vainly trying to go steady with a
} prostitute you met on a streetcorner; or possibly spending the
} evening, and the next day or two, in jail for trying to procure
} one. There are no foolproof plans, in this world. Try your
} darndest to make your better idea be at least a good one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a place on your dance card.
]]>
Oh dear, you said "cooter". No Digest soup for you.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most wide awake Oracle, He that can find his way around in the
> dark, Immortal Most Extraordinary and cool guy to hang with,
>
> Is hell big enough?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Didn't General Sheridan famously declare that if he owned both,
} he would live in Hell and rent out Texas? He was a reasonable
} guy and, considering how large the population of Texas is today,
} it is a logical assumption that Hell must already be full.
}
} Further evidence would be simply the number of people running
} around on this planet who by their actions clearly either came
} from the underworld or need to be sent there for punishment.
} There must be a No Vacancy sign out and they are turning
} qualified people away, much like Stanford or Harvard send
} their rejects to Berkeley and Yale.
}
} You owe the Oracle a snowball.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O wise Oracle, thou whom the warmth of a simple smile would be enough to
> melt all the snow in Siberia, unlike mere humans who need to drive
> millions of miles in a humvee to achieve the same effect, pray tell me.
>
> Orrie, I've just received an email saying that I have 10 unread emails
> from Russian Ladies. Who are these ladies who have sent me these emails,
> and how do they know who I am?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You think *you've* got it bad. I just got an email telling me that
} I have 10 unread emails, of the type *you* just received. And that's
} my 10th one of those this week! And it's been going on like this for
} 10 weeks! What is that, a thousand, or ten thousand, Russian Ladies
} I am behind on writing to now? I can't keep track of the exponentials,
} much less the Ladies themselves: there's Olga from Izhevsk and Liliana
} from Tallinn, or is Olga the one from Tallinn? And so on and so forth.
} I don't understand why there are so many of them. Maybe something
} political happened in the last several years, or an earthquake killed
} all the men, or something.
}
} Rather than worry now about how they found out about you and me, can
} you, like, take half of mine, and I'll take half of yours, and let's
} see if we can get caught up with these sincere women with high moral
} values, who are looking for a noble, strong, and caring man to share
} a canoe trip up the river of life with, or whatever it is they are
} going on and on about? Thanks much.
}
} You owe the Oracle some help with, well, I guess I already explained
} it, didn't I?
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I was so young when I was born
> My eyes could not yet see.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Me too.
}
} Oh, and not just my eyes, either. I had it rough. My legs
} could not yet walk, and my mouth could not yet talk. And I am
} embarrassed to mention the state of my bladder and bowel control
} at that point in time.
}
} Even worse, I didn't discover any sexual capability until my
} teens, and I am not sure I have completely gotten the knack for
} it even now.
}
} It is fortunate that my heart and lungs had at least rudimentary
} function or I might not be here today to discuss this with you.
}
} But, all things considered, I got better. As, I trust, did you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dark horse with extra texture.
]]>
George Harrison, in case the song lyric in the question and
the hints in the "you owe" line aren't familiar to you.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Who was that masked man?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} OK, here, let me take a look at him, and compare to certain
} mug shots I have culled over the years from the Commissioner's
} office, the Sheriff of Nottingham, et cetera et cetera.
}
} Robin Hood? No.
} Zorro? No.
} Cyrano de Bergerac? No; oops, his buddy was the one with the
} mask, come to think of it.
} Lone Ranger? No.
} Toto? No. Only a dog, and no mask either.
} Tonto? No. That's who I was thinking of, though.
} Superman? No, the dude doesn't wear a mask either, never mind.
} Something not right about a hero who wears his disguise only
} when he's OFF-duty. Plus, who would ever be fooled by a pair
} of nerd glasses? Needs a proper mask, if he wants to be taken
} seriously. Oh, well anyway, I digress - where was I?
} Batman? No.
} Robin? No.
} The Riddler? No. Wow, they use a lot of masks in Gotham City.
} Jim Carrey, in any role? No.
} Some Random Gotham City Henchman? No, your guy's not wearing
} a horizontal-striped shirt.
} Catwoman? No, check that, you did say a man. Mmmm, Julie
} Newmar... *Mrrrrow*
}
} Sorry, no idea. I mean, he's wearing a mask, duh.
}
} Let's face it, it could be anyone. The Oracle is omniscient,
} but come on, the guy's got a *mask* on, so gimme a bit of leeway
} here. What am I supposed to do? He clearly doesn't want anyone
} to guess his identity, so he's not going to just tell me, if I
} ask. What do I look like, Sam Spade, on call for detective work
} at any hour of the day?
}
} It's got to be an overgrown Halloween trick or treater. Simply
} give him some candy and let him move on to the next house.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fun-sized Snickers or Three Musketeers bar
} as long as you've got the candy bowl ou... Wait! *snap* That's
} it! Three Musketeers. It's either Athos, or Aramis, or Porthole!
} Or, or, oh, what's-his-name, Dargatan, no D'artagnan, or whatever.
} Gotta be. One of them. Wait, let me look... er, no. Shoot.
} They all wore silly mustaches, but I'm not so sure if they used
} masks very much.
}
} Sorry. Hey, it's not like *they* never had cases of mistaken
} identity in those corny "classic" stories either, right? Oh
} well. Back to it being a trick or treater.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fun-sized Snickers bar, period. Whee.
} Let the good times roll, we're having fun *now*.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Good afternoon. My name is Rabbi Kuchakokov, I'm here for the bris.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I entered the building and was greeted by a gregarious fat
} woman of uncertain but vaguely Asian ethnicity.
}
} She directed me through the foyer and around a corner, past
} a small stand-up bar, toward a glass window. Behind that
} window seemed to be a large room occupied by more than a
} dozen men of varying ages. The darkened lobby allowed a
} patron to discreetly view the room. These men were all
} dressed in a uniform consisting only of tight fitting shorts,
} each with a numbered plastic badge pinned to the waistband.
} The men were carefully oblivious to the window and were
} clustered in small groups, laughing and chattering among
} themselves, in a manner reminding me of schoolgirls.
}
} My hostess strained to make small talk in her heavily
} accented English. "We don't get many women here, and
} especially not many who are rabbis." I shrugged.
}
} Number 17 was the obvious star of the room, judging by the
} way in which several of the others seemed to be vying for his
} attention. Tall. Young but not callow looking. In shape.
} Quite long fingers.
}
} "You see something you like?" my hostess asked. Before
} deciding, I would need her to confirm one minor detail.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plausibly happy ending to this story.
]]>
No chance this one would see the light of day in a Digest.
Ick. 8v)
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why didn't the pirate like the movie about him?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because it was rated PG-13, matey.
}
} In a similar vein:
}
} Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
} It was broken, and he was aiming for the dumpster next door.
}
} What is a blonde's favorite wine?
} A chardonnay, or perhaps a nice pinot noir.
}
} How many hockey players does it take to change a light bulb?
} One, except in really unusual circumstances.
}
} Why won't cannibals eat clowns?
} Greasepaint tastes really awful and ruins the broth.
}
} What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?
} Shark Bait.
}
} You owe the Oracle the expurgated version of Henny Youngman's
} Encyclopedia of One-Liners.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> how does one acquire cohesion?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Funny you should ask. Just today, there was a transmission
} on the television, containing an allusion to this discussion.
} With your permission, I will commission this expression, in
} hopes of persuasion toward my vision, allaying any confusion,
} delusion, or profusion of misapprehension.
}
} Adhesion improves cohesion, while no good will come of tension
} and torsion, nor expansion and subdivision, likewise excision
} and exclusion, and their omission should be your passion, nay,
} obsession. If you have an apprehension about cohesion, you
} should maintain an aversion to abrasion, diffusion, corrosion,
} erosion, secession, and explosion. Show no compassion toward
} those with a mission to decommission in this dimension. When
} faced with incohesion, envision a decision toward conversion.
} Also try compression.
}
} Aggression and collision sometimes helps but often gives only
} the illusion. Extrusion can improve the impression. Unless
} performed with precision, circumcision is a transgression of
} cohesion, if not a downright perversion.
}
} Fusion? Si. Fission? No.
}
} In conclusion, I hate to disillusion, or to cause you depression
} on this occasion, or to cast an aspersion on my own comprehension,
} but have the compulsion make the admission, concession and
} confession, that I actually have no bloody clue, and am only
} engaging in pretension in this session.
}
} You owe the Oracle no condescension or derision for this
} digression.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most fluffy,
>
> Who's the cat?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Me, and you're the mouse.
}
} You owe the Oracle a daily tribute of catnip for the rest of
} your short life.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> before i go into groveling, i think it should be known if you enjoy long drawn out grovels, or percice and to te point. i perfer the latter, not just becuase it takes less time, but i don't want to become as pathetic or whinny as your man slave, zadoc. a nice, " oh gracious Oracle," or "oh super fantastic Oracle," (either of which can be taken as my grovel) is just fine for me. which brings me to my first question. Zadoc is a good, faithful pet, but how did he become so pathetic? does he owe you anything? how much punishment in one day can he take before finally, follishly, lashing out at you? or is it impossible for him to lash out. my last request is that you would play a text-based game of any theme with funny incusitencies.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hello. You have reached The Internet Oracle, not The Incoherent
} Oracle who evidently you intended to contact.
}
} I shall save you the trouble of retransmitting, by answering
} directly. (He and I do this for each other as a professional
} courtesy although, I have to say, with less success on his part
} when the situation is reversed.)
}
} *ahem*
}
} Ooh ar ooh ar before the crops go gey are in the medley crun and
} the bird slides nightly on the ooh ar.
}
} Oops, sorry, I'm already off on the wrong foot here - The Idiotic
} Oracle and I also cover for each other, and the mindset is similar
} enough to The Incoherent Oracle that it's sometimes difficult for
} me to switch gears. Maybe I should become less sarcastic in my
} comments about my colleagues and their ability to fill in for me
} when called upon. Hm, nah.
}
} Let me start again. *ahem*
}
} howl howl howl howl howl howl howl howl. DADA is against the
} high cost of living. it changes - affirms - says the opposite
} at the same time - no importance - shouts - goes fishing.
}
} regarding grovels i will simply say that in te majority of cases
} i find it highly perferable for te supplicant to provide te minimal
} level of verbiousity necessary to impart te desired sentiment
} without descending into overly florid or obtuse wordings and
} phraseologies that obscure more than they panegyrise, moreover
} te wise supplicant is well advised to maintain a properly humble
} demeanour rather than an overly folksy and chummy attitude in all
} communications to any oracle, furthermore it is te depth of feeling
} rather than sheer volume of a given outpouring that creates te
} propensity toward a favorable outlook of a reply from said oracle,
} therefore a percice and to te point grovel is far more highly
} esteemed except in cases where no other means proves sufficient
} becuase it often will be te case that te actual qeusiton being
} asked will seem beneath mention in comparison to te lengthy
} exposition that precedes it, also needless obfuscation is to be
} eschewed, as is unnecessary repetition, likewise for unnecessary
} repetition, similarly for unnecessary repetition, and finally
} i find it highly perferable for a supplicant to provide te minimal
} level of verbosity necessary to impart te desired sentiment
} without descending into overly florid or obtuse wordings and
} phraseologies that obscure more than they panegyrise.
}
} Your next qeusiton coming right up, but first...
}
} One of Zippy th' Pinhead's subsidiaries just nuked RICHARD
} NIXON off but I don't care because I am still stuck on th'
} onramp to th' Information SuperHansArpway.
}
} Now for your next qeusiton.
}
} te pantheon provides all oracles with a faithful servant named
} zadoc. mine fortuneately happens to be a bit overqaulified,
} having previously portrayed the title role in the broadway
} production of fLASH bAZBO, sPACE eXPLORER. so i can not properly
} answer your qeusiton from presonal epxerience. but I pnuish
} him anyway just for fun. even being a superior zadoc he is still
} too dim to understand that its supposed to hurt, either that
} or else i am too incoherent to get te idea across to him
} effectively.
}
} as for a text-based game, how abuot this.
}
} >> east
} You are in a twisty maze of incusitent little passages, all alike.
} >> north
} You are in a twisty maze of incusitent little passages, all alike.
} >> west
} You are in a twisty maze of incusitent little passages, all alike.
} >> south
} You are in a twisty maze of incusitent little Everybody get out of
} here, there's a lobster loose! Oh, holy cow! He's vengeful! Cover
} yourselves in hot butter, and carry linens just in case passages,
} all alike.
} >> qiut
} ???
} >> quit
}
} Darn it, The Idiot makes his unwelcome return. This gig is tougher
} than I thought. Must close now.
}
} You owe the Oracle ooh ar naggy gamly rangle tandie oogly noogle
} goblie oog and a pile of moss, pebbles, bits of wood and acorns.
} Argh, no, I mean: you owe te oracle one griaffe and some brightly
} coloured machien tools. Oh, bloody Zot, I don't want that, just
} make it Bill Murray's memoirs, innit.
]]>
I think it's actually "lemons", not "linens".
That's the danger of going from memory.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Seen any good bad movies lately?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Certainly. Also, some very bad good movies. Here is a sampling.
}
} Harry Potter and the Prisoners of the Soul Plane
} An audience is held hostage by a lame blaxploitation parody, and
} it is up to Harry and friends, with a dollop of magic and fun
} and maybe a few chills along the way, to get them out. Be on
} the lookout for the blooper where Blacula meets the lycanthrope
} and does the soul-power handshake incorrectly.
}
} Scooby Shrek 2
} Jinkies! The nomadic slackers in The Mystery Machine encounter
} a collection of actual monsters for once.
}
} Raising Helen of Troy
} A war widow attempts to bring up her children whilst empires are
} won and lost and the very gods stifle their yawns. A chick flick
} for this and any millenium.
}
} Super Size Me The Day After Tomorrow
} A runaway mutant french fry triggers a massive earthquake or
} traffic jam or something, in a protracted leftist rant that not
} even Michael Moore would consent to be associated with.
}
} The Chronicles of Garfield
} An undead hairball threatens both a planet and the adorable dog
} who lives there.
}
} The Stepford Wives Go Around The World In 80 Days
} A new take on the Jules Verne classic in which robots navigate
} the balloon, and stop at every day spa en route for NC-17 rated
} hijinks.
}
} Mean Girls Kill Bill
} A simple case of murderous revenge takes a left turn into the
} realm of the truly twisted and sadistic, when a group of high
} school girls is brought in for the task. Avert your eyes.
]]>
Expected this one to go straight into the Digest.
Don't ask me for stock tips, either.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How many messages go through the oracle each day?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yum yum yum yum yum. Another message to eat. Oh, this one doesn't
} provide much bulk, which could cause me consternation. But I just
} got done consuming a 1000-line w**dch*ck question, which potentially
} could give me a diary, so they probably will counteract each other.
}
} To answer your question: I don't keep careful track, but judging by
} the Priests' publication frequency for the Oracularities, on average
} I apparently Digest about one message per day. So that is how many
} actually do go through. The rest provide me energy. That, and a
} bit of hot air, which is useful for composing these replies, but
} which Zadoc and especially Lisa continually complain about.
}
} Thank you for a delicious morsel, supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Beano.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle, whose internal organs are all truly
> internal, and never exposed to the cruel light and
> air,
>
> I have a pretty serious problem. I worried that my
> liver might be doing things that I wasn't aware of.
> So I set up a home surveillance system, and when I
> reviewed the tapes of what my liver did while I was
> out, I saw all manner of horrible activities -
> drinking booze, playing my records, watching TV,
> singing, peeing on the rug...how should I confront my
> liver about these terrible crimes?
>
> Yours,
> Liverless in Liverpool
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, your liver has done... questionable things. You are
} beyond the point of simply confronting it. In a situation
} like this, I like to ask myself this one simple question:
} WWRDD? What would Rick Deckard do?
}
} Pretty clearly, your liver must be retired. It is in a
} state of Accelerated Decrepitude, and completely Batty.
} It's too bad it won't live. But then again, who does?
}
} Just shoot it, in the back if you have to. Not very
} sporting to fire on an unarmed opponent. But you aren't
} doing this for sport. If it utters some inanity like
} "Wake up! Time to die!", as organs often do, just shoot
} it again; if it pleads "but I am a liver, not a dier",
} shoot it twice again for the pun of it.
}
} Oh, and make sure you have a replicant on hand to insert
} in its place. (I guess I should have mentioned to read
} these instructions in full before you begin.)
}
} I recommend you don't pick at the scabs while you are
} healing. I know, I know. Nothing is worse than having
} an itch you can never scratch.
}
} The main drawback to this plan is you will need to repeat
} the process every four years. Replicants are like elected
} U.S. officials in this respect, and just as annoying.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sharpened blade and a marathon runner.
]]>
I learn something every day.
On this one I learned: don't bother doing movie parodies in this forum.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Aaaahh! I'm covered in lice!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes. It IS relaxing, isn't it? All those little tiny feet
} providing you a full-body massage. Sit back and enjoy! Aaah.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new tick collar.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great and wise Oracle, please tell me whether I should be
> worried about contact with that woman I met two weeks ago.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nothing at all to worry about, Supplicant. Even if she carried
} one, a venereal disease can not be transmitted via a slap to
} your face.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blind date for Zadoc.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Be
> ep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep
> !Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!B
> eep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Bee
> p!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!
>
> ++ End Communication ++
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Thank you for the update, Agent Double-Ought Nil. You can
} return to the mother ship for your next planetary deployment,
} a cushy assignment on Venus. I'll meet you there, just wait
} by the big rock. Make sure you bring your India-Delta-ten-
} Tango form.
}
} You owe the Oracle an elevator pass.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Fantastic and Majestic are you Mighty Oracle! May the firmaments of
> Heaven always shine on your hallowed head. You are as great as.
>
> I'm having a problem with corroborative nouns, I can get started just
> fine, as big as, as great as, as fantastic as...I just can't finish, can
> you help, it would be as groovy as.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Not a problem. Just use any of these handy similes anytime you
} want to perk up your writing.
}
} As big as coal
} As black as a bat
} As blind as brass
} As bold as a lion
} As brave as a button
} As bright as a bee
} As busy as a bell
} As clear as ice
} As cold as dirt
} As common as a cucumber
} As cool as a loon
} As crazy as a fox
} As cunning as a button
} As cute as a doornail
} As dead as a post
} As deaf as a flower
} As delicate as a bone
} As dry as dishwater
} As dull as pie
} As easy as a pig
} As fat as a fiddle
} As fit as a pancake
} As flat as a bird
} As free as a daisy
} As fresh as a lamb
} As gentle as gold
} As good as a lark
} As happy as nails
} As hard as a kite
} As high as hell
} As hot as a bear
} As hungry as a lamb
} As innocent as life
} As large as a feather
} As light as a worm
} As lowly as a hornet
} As mad as a cricket
} As merry as a pin
} As neat as a fruitcake
} As nutty as the hills
} As old as death
} As pale as Job
} As patient as day
} As plain as Punch
} As pleased as dirt
} As poor as a picture
} As pretty as a peacock
} As proud as the driven snow
} As pure as a wink
} As quick as a mouse
} As quiet as rain
} As right as hen's teeth
} As scarce as a razor
} As sharp as a dog
} As sick as a goose
} As silly as an eel
} As slippery as molasses
} As slow as silk
} As smooth as a bug in a rug
} As snug as a judge
} As sober as a baby's bottom
} As soft as a rock
} As solid as a bell
} As sound as jam
} As sticky as a board
} As stiff as an arrow
} As straight as an ox
} As strong as a mule
} As stubborn as an oak
} As sturdy as death and taxes
} As sure as honey
} As sweet as a giraffe
} As tall as a toothpick
} As thin as a drum
} As tight as a rabbit
} As timid as nails
} As tough as a sheet
} As white as Solomon
}
} You owe the Oracle as much as you have.
]]>
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Sing ye and be merry,
> Because for the first time,
> The words that follow,
> Have been used in a rhyme!
>
> Bing Bong,
> Ding Dang!
> Ding Dong,
> Bing Bannnnnnnnnnng!
>
> *puff*
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Now is the month of Maying,
} when merry Oracles are playing,
} Fa la la la la la la la la, fa la la la la la la.
} Each with his bonnie Lisa,
} a-dancing like they do in Pisa.
} Fa la la la la la la la la, fa la la la la la la.
}
} The Spring, clad all in gladness,
} doth laugh at Og's and Zadoc's madness,
} Fa la la la la la la, yo, yo, fa la la la, yo, yo.
} And to the zot-staff's sound,
} the woodchucks emerge (ow!) from underground.
} Fa la la la la yadda yadda, fa la la yadda yadda.
}
} Fie, then, why sit we here on AOL,
} Lisa's sweet delight is far more swell.
} Fa la la la la la la la la, and so on and so forth.
} Say, dainty Lisa, and speak,
} shall we play barley break?
} ("Nah, Orrie, let's just sit over there and make out.")
} Fa la la la la la la la la, ibid ibid, op. cit., op. cit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Madrigal History Tour.
]]>
So if Blade Runner isn't obscure enough,
let's do a sendup of a famous madrigal.
Yo, yo.
<![CDATA[
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> "Trachimasse, Orrie! Welcome to Adisonhopo's general store!"
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Renowned archeologist Digger Sauniere staggered through the vaulted
} archway of the general store's Grand Gallery. He lunged for the
} only food item he could see, a slime mold. Grabbing the repulsive
} comestible, the seventy-three-year-old curator heaved the merchandise
} into his pack, and Sauniere collapsed backward in a heap, stressed
} already from carrying the heavy iron ball, now low on hit points,
} his speed and stealth nothing more than a memory due to the gremlin's
} chuckling attack, and near fainting from hunger. He read the scroll
} of teleportation, and instantly found himself elsewhere on the level.
}
} As he anticipated, far off, an alarm began to ring, and an unearthly
} voice intoned, "You escaped the shop without paying!" The archeologist
} lay a moment, gasping for breath, taking stock. I am still alive.
} As he wolfed down the bit of stolen food, he pondered the advice
} he had seen scrawled on the rocky floor just outside the shop: "A
} cockatrice corpse is guaranteed to be untainted!" He hoped to be
} able to live long enough to put these wise words to use.
}
} He scanned the cavernous space for someplace to hide. A voice spoke,
} chillingly close. "So thou thought thou couldst kill me, fool."
}
} On his hands and knees, the archeologist froze, turning his head slowly.
} Still fifteen squares away, the mountainous silhouette of Adisonhopo
} the shopkeeper appeared through the dim light. But the Wizard had
} made his untimely return, and it was uncertain whether Sauniere could
} stall long enough for the shopkeeper to reach the room. He fingered
} the ring of conflict in his pocket; a useless trinket when there was
} only himself and a single adversary.
}
} His assailant was tall, with ghost-pale skin and thinning white hair.
} His irises were pink with dark red pupils. The albino drew a wand
} from his coat and aimed it directly at the archeologist. "You should
} not have run." His accent was not easy to place. "Now tell me where
} it is." "I told you already," the archeologist stammered, kneeling
} defenseless on the floor of the dungeon, "I have no idea what you are
} talking about!" "You are lying." The Wizard stared at him, perfectly
} immobile except for the glint in his ghostly eyes. "You and your
} brethren possess something that is not yours."
}
} The archeologist felt a surge of adrenalin. "Tonight the rightful
} guardian will be restored. Tell me where the Amulet of Yendor is
} hidden, and you will live." The Wizard leveled his wand at the
} archeologist's head. "Is it a secret you will die for?" Sauniere
} could not breathe. The wand of striking spat out at him.
}
} "Pain is good, monsieur," the Wizard said, pulling out now a far
} more sinister looking wand.
}
} You owe the Oracle DaVinci's geek code.
]]>
I guess "Nethack meets DaVinci Code" appeals to a narrow audience.