Digested Answers
These are the answers I have written that were published
as Oracularities in the Digests.
I'm not saying I would have selected all of these myself;
some of them were dashed off pretty quickly
and I was shocked to see them show up in a Digest.
Even some of the ones I put a lot of time into
didn't really "work" as far as I was concerned.
More times than not the voters bear me out on that.
But, throw enough slop on the wall, and some of it is bound to stick.
I really do write them in hopes the Supplicant enjoys them,
and anything beyond that is gravy on the cake.
Afterlife
Alignment
Ant
Becoming
Beer
Christmas
Cows
Coyote
Crossing
Deny
Drainer
Elves
Existence
Friend
God
Horse
Kitty
Mondays
Murder
Nethack
Orc
Pickup
Practical
Privacy
Sanity
Secret
Sleep
Smoking
Stocking
<![CDATA[
--- 220-02 16675 3.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Today in my English class this gorgeous woman tried to pick me up. The
> problem is, she grabbed my by my private parts to do so. Why?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle is much too gracious to carp on the spelling error that
} occurred in your question, or to note the irony of the conjunction of
} this error with your mention of an English class. Besides, the Oracle
} sometimes likes to seed his omnipresent answers with the occasional
} misspelling of his own, just to see if the reader is awake.
}
} The gorgeous woman was in fact a succubus, sent to you by this selfsame
} Oracle, to test you. "Wait," you may ask in mock astonishment, "I
} thought succubi only visited men in their sleep?" Don't try to kid a
} kidder, young man. I caught a clear glimpse of you nodding off during
} the lecture, the fourth in a series on Keats's use of gerunds to bring
} into bold focus Man's inhumanity to Man. It's understandable you should
} have trouble staying awake; just don't fib to the Oracle.
}
} Anyway, I am sorry to say you miserably failed the test posed to you by
} Susie the Succubus. You apparently assumed the test was of your purity,
} or some such nonsense like that. No, it was a test of your
} intelligence, and anyone who has to ask "Why?" when a beautiful succubus
} grabs him by his nay-nay has more troubles than this Oracle can help
} with in a single missive. I suggest remedial readings in the Masters &
} Johnson library.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hernia truss.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 220-08 078a0 3.1 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Mondays are really boring. Am I the only one who feels so? If not, can
> we just get rid of mondays?
>
> Upset Fred, the Rediculous Rhino a.k.a. UFiRR the Great!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Only a non-omnipotent, non-omniscient being such as yourself would find
} Mondays boring. Following are the top ten good things about Mondays.
}
} 10. Monday is really easy to spell, not like Teusday or Wensday.
} 9. You can tell everyone you see on Monday, about what a great weekend
} you had.
} 8. You can call in sick on Monday, to recover from the great weekend
} you had.
} 7. If it wasn't for Monday, Tuesdays would be the first weekday and be
} the really boring one.
} 6. The solar system hardly ever blows up on a Monday.
} 5. Without Mondays, the rhyme would go "26 days hath September
} (usually)".
} 4. The Mamas and the Papas would have had one less hit record.
} 3. Monday is named for the moon, which used to be a really cool planet.
} 2. What would you do without Monday Night Football?
} 1. Since today is Monday, you would not have sent me your question. You
} would just be sitting in a trackless void.
}
} As to your other questions: no, you are not the only one who feels that
} way. In fact, among non-omnipotent, non-omniscient beings, the only
} one who does not in fact share your opinion is Irving J. Monday of
} Fort Lee, New Jersey.
}
} Could we just get rid of Mondays? Sure. Just alter the universal
} gravitational constant by about 2% higher, and there you are. Be
} careful not to raise it much more than that, because the effect is
} nonlinear, and you could end up with negative-e-to-the-pi days in a
} week. As with many tasks, this really is one best left to the
} professionals. Kidz, don't try this at home!
}
} You owe the Oracle a wall calendar from a car repair shop.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 221-03 04a61 3.2 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: The Great Squid
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why do the lower left and upper right arms of the X on my screen
> not align?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You seem to be taking this rather calmly. Have you not noticed the
} blurring of your vision? The recurrent headaches? The fact that
} your left arm has mutated into a crab claw, and your toenails
} are sprouting hair?
}
} Read through the following instructions completely, for your safety's
} sake:
}
} 1) Turn off your computer and monitor.
} 2) Twis...<bzzzt> [No, you imbecile, finish reading before you turn it
} off!]
}
} You owe the Oracle a crab leg dinner.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 222-10 14463 3.3 ------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why are we here?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Congratulations! You are the one hundred millionth mortal to pose this
} exact question to the Oracle. Ordinarily, the Oracle would not
} condescend to answer such a question more than one and a half million
} times, but because of the special circumstances (your having turned the
} Oracle-o-meter over to zero again), here is an answer.
}
} The Ten Top reasons why you are here:
}
} 10. Just lucky, I guess.
} 9. Because your moms and dads were at that party, lo these many years
} ago.
} 8. Actually, you are not here, you are 2.5 cm to the right.
} 7. To help others, and pay a mortgage, and raise 3.2 children.
} 6. Because it would be too expensive to ship you somewhere else.
} 5. To ask pointless questions of the Oracle.
} 4. Because you sinned in a prior lifetime, and got demoted from snail.
} 3. Someone forgot to leave a forwarding address.
} 2. Yes, why indeed? Hurry, hurry, you are going to be late!
} 1. Because you paid someone else to serve in the Iraqi Army in your
} place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a map with "You Are Here" printed on it.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 223-10 07453 3.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O, most omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnimagazine
> Oracle:
>
> If I go to Heaven when I die, will I be able to get
> Usenet access? What about Purgatory? Is it true that
> in Hell you can only get an account on an IBM System 360?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} As with all mere mortals, you have no concept of the true nature
} of the afterlife. You operate under false assumptions.
}
} Heaven, Hell and Purgatory are not places you "go" when you die.
} It's more like a LAN (to put it into terms that your mind may
} at least feebly understand; the reality is much more complex).
} In your mortal life you must strive to convince the sysadmins
} of the afterlife to grant you execute access, later read access,
} still later write permission, and finally limited root privileges.
} This is accomplished through the various activities in your life,
} and apply to the multitude of systems on the LAN. Putting on your
} deodorant, a minor sacrament for instance, gets you a login on an
} additional system. Brown-nosing your boss, a major sacrament, might earn
} you write access to the Hack save file directory on a small system.
} Perhaps you now have a glimpse of why your daily life seems so boring
} and repetitious.
}
} In a sense you stumbled onto a cosmic truth in your question; but
} the point is not that you only get accounts on a 360 in Hell. Rather,
} Hell IS an IBM 360 (with plans to upgrade soon to an 8086-based
} windowing system, once funding is in place), whose sysadmin is known
} as BIFF. Purgatory corresponds in very vague mortal terms to a device
} hooked only to /dev/null, with a sysadmin named Minas. Heaven is
} naturally a CRAY Z-MP (we get prereleases of EVERYthing here), and
} only modesty prevents me from revealing the identity of its sysadmin.
}
} It has never been the intention of the Powers Who Be that Heaven
} should remain at the top of the heap. Several prototype systems
} are in the works. I know of an AI-based system named Cate0, and
} a massive-parallel one named Cantorset_Cube, but both have a
} significant number of bugs and aren't expected to be in full
} production mode for a millenium or two. So for the time being, Heaven
} remains the place to be, although there are plenty of nice client
} systems that share fileservers with Heaven so that it's not necessary
} to be logged in there all the time.
}
} As to USENET, again your question borders on the irrelevant, not to
} mention irreverent and iridescent. USENET is available throughout the
} After-LAN. It's just that the Hell system is always so short of disk
} space (there being so many more users there than anywhere else) that
} your .newsrc file gets trashed every second time you access the news
} reader. So, I recommend you keep your write-access on the Heaven system
} up to date, so that this doesn't happen to you.
}
} You owe the Oracle an account on your system.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 228-08 23524 3.2 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What in the world did you do to become the Great Oracle?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} One does not "become" the Oracle (saying Great is redundant, although
} appreciated). As a near-great mortal once said, Talent does what it can;
} Genius does what it must; I do what I'm paid to do.
}
} Having said that, here are ten events that convinced the Oracle-to-be
} that it was useless to resist the calling:
}
} 1) President Reagan repeatedly asked for my advice on how to increase
} the deficit.
} 2) Einstein asked if E=MC69 wouldn't be more cool as a formula.
} 3) The Denver Broncos asked (too many times to count) how to throw a
} Super Bowl without getting caught.
} 4) The pilot of the Hindenberg asked what H2 + O2 makes.
} 5) Rock Hudson asked where all the cute chicks were anymore.
} 6) Dan Quayle asked what the neatest swellest job in the world was.
} 7) Gorbachev asked if a little butterfly tattoo on his buttocks would be
} the best way to visually differentiate himself from other world
} leaders.
} 8) Fran Tarkenton asked how to get his 30-minute commercials on the air.
} 9) Frank Zappa asked if "Katie" and "Dave" would be good names for his
} children.
} 10) I asked myself a question and received a speedy and courteous reply.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of how you became such a pile of
} donkey dung.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 229-10 00339 4.4 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Does smoking cause brain damage?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The imperious, impervious, and impecunious Oracle will provide you with
} multiple answers to your question, at no extra charge.
}
} 1) No. Brain damage causes smoking.
} 2) No. Lung damage and heart damage usually get you first.
} 3) No iv smoked for teh last thurty yeers ad it hasnt damagd my brane
} yet.
} 4) No, at least no worse than taking hits off your car's exhaust pipe
} does.
} 5) No, as long as it's done by other people in other places.
} 6) No. By the time a salmon gets smoked, it's already dead.
} 7) No, unless your dad catches you.
} 8) No, unless the smoking is done by a pistol aimed at your cranium.
} 9) No, there's (*snicker*) never been scientific (*teehee*) proof
} (*guffaw*).
} 10) No, smoking doesn't brain damage people. People brain damage people,
} by manufacturing cigarettes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of scissors and a water pistol.
]]>
I'm not confident this Smoking reply would have gotten such a
positive response today.
It was a pretty generous rating.
<![CDATA[
--- 230-09 32652 3.1 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Wise One:
> Is it true that cows are really people who have changed their
> physical appearance so they don't have to pay taxes?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Only some cows. You can tell the difference by looking into their eyes.
}
} (__)
} ($$)
} /-------\/
} / | ||
} * ||-|--||
} ~~ ~~
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete canonical collection of cows.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 235-06 12146 3.9 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Is it true that Christmas started as a private venture in some guy's
> garage?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Close. It started in this guy's barn behind an inn. Pee-yew.
}
} Mr. Chris Chris began marketing his own brand of winter holiday,
} first locally in Judea, then rapidly expanding through the Roman
} Empire and beyond. It was a nice healthy business, but nothing
} like what you see today.
}
} Along about that time, there were various competing holidays,
} including 1) Christmas, 2) Xmas, 3) Hanukkah, 4) St. Satan's Day,
} 5) Fourth of July, 6) Cinco de Mayo, 7) Baseball Opening Day,
} 8) Santa's Merrie Olde Day, 9) Macy's Year End Sale, 10) Jesus's
} Birthday Blowout, 11) St. Nicholas's Day, and 12) Easter. It was
} an exciting time to be alive, mainly because the B.C. years were
} finally over and people could start counting the years forward
} instead of backward, allowing them to apply their brains to more
} worthwhile areas of interest. The healthy spirit of competition that
} bloomed caused many changes in the holiday business shortly thereafter.
}
} As in any competition, there were some early casualties. Xmas was
} bought out by Christmas, in a deal that was ominous of future
} leveraged buyouts. Mr. X sold out his interest, and retired to
} Bermuda. There was some talk of his starting a spring holiday
} named XXX, but the dirty movie industry muddied the waters too
} greatly, and he gave up.
}
} Hanukkah at one time was a major contender, but suffered from a
} serious marketing problem, namely that none of the proprietors
} could agree on how to spell the damn thing. Hannuka, Honakah,
} Hanuka, and even Chanukkah openly competed for the consumer'e
} eye, hopelessly fragmenting its impact in the marketplace.
} In retrospect, it may have been fortunate to have been so badly
} splintered, because it thereby managed to avoid the attention
} (and financial resources) of the bigger holidays. It has even
} managed to make a modest resurgence in recent times.
}
} Some of the holidays simply disappeared without a trace. St.
} Satan's Day, for instance, suddenly stopped being celebrated
} due to the bad press surrounding a few of the wilder parties
} it encouraged. The demise of others, like Baal Day, is shrouded
} in mystery.
}
} A number of mildly successful holidays acheived true acceptance
} only when they were moved to different days, owing to the stiff
} competition. Fourth of July, Cinco de Mayo and Baseball Opening
} Day were moved earlier in the year, and have become resounding
} successes. It was a particularly felicitous move for Baseball,
} which was already under pressure to reduce the number of "Game
} Postponed - Snow" items in the daily newspaper.
}
} Christmas would never have become the institution it now is, if
} not for the acquisition of Santa's Merrie Olde Day a few years
} later. This required Chris Chris's flash of insight to take the
} basic concept of Santa (which was originally a cross between
} Old King Cole and Humpty Dumpty), and replace the idea of giving
} presents TO Santa with that of receiving presents FROM him. We
} now take this for granted, but it was a big risk at the time.
} Naysayers warned that parents would never allow their children
} to sit on a strange old man's lap, and be given candy and toys.
} But with careful attention to image (Santa's fangs were the first
} to go), Chris proved the so-called experts wrong.
}
} Christmas/Merrie Olde Day became such a success, in fact, that the
} other holidays, such as the ones named at the end of the above
} list, were bought outright for cash. It was decided to keep
} Easter separate and move it, as a form of vertical integration.
}
} Nowadays, in the Big Money societies that are all too prevalent,
} you don't get a choice of holiday. You like Christmas, or you
} lump it. (It is refreshing to see the resurgence in Hanukkah
} celebrations, fostered by people who are sick and tired of the
} monopolistic situation.) Enforcement of the antitrust laws
} is needed to break up the powerful Christmas interests.
}
} Anyway, the guy who invented Christmas wasn't too sharp about
} patents and trademarks, and failed to protect the name of his
} holiday before it came into universal acceptance as THE winter
} holiday. So although it had private beginnings, you are free
} to use the name without payment of royalty or fear of prosecution.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Isotoner gloves.
]]>
A reeeealy generous rating, in my opinion.
I didn't think that much of it after I wrote it.
<![CDATA[
--- 236-02 23860 2.9 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Nobody sends me electronic mail any more, except for you, wise Oracle.
> You realize that you are the only friend I have in the world, don't you?
> Everybody else holds me in contempt. Actually, you probably do too, but
> so far you have been kind enough not to admit it and anyhow you always
> answer my e-mail, which is so good of you that it makes me want to weep
> because you are being so kind.
>
> Anyhow I just want to write and thank you for being yourself.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There there, my dear friend. I don't reply to your notes out of mere
} obligation, but because I value you highly as a person. You are a
} worthwhile human being, which for some reason the world has not yet
} recognized, but be assured, your time will come.
}
} Things always seem darkest before dawn's first light. Let's see if we
} can't find some news to cheer you up.
}
} pearlygates% telnet future-node
} Trying 128.-1.1.1
} Connected to future-node
} Escape character is '^]'
}
} GodOS UNIX (future-node)
}
} login: root
} Password:
} Last login: Tue Nov 26, 1437AD 08:44:34 on console
} GodOS Release 4.1 (DB50) #1: Thu Aug 23 11:13:17 CDT 1990
} You have mail (14409301 unread).
} Read now? (y/n) n
}
} future-node% ls
} botha cuomo hussein thatcher
} bush gorbachev pope wellstone
} cher hopeless-dweeb quayle
} future-node% cd hopeless-dweeb
} future-node% /etc/predict
} Future All-Telling Enabler, Version 3.0 (beta)
} Current database is hopeless-dweeb
} For help, type ?
} FATE> find next good news
} Searching..............................................
} Searching...
} FATE> display
} Waitress (Thelma) at corner diner smiles at subject.
} FATE> when
} This Friday evening.
} FATE> find next good news; display
} Searching..
} Thelma consents to a date with subject.
} FATE> find next 4 good news; display
} Searching......
} Thelma falls in love with subject, agrees to marry subject.
} Thelma's aged aunt wins lottery.
} Thelma's aged aunt dies from the surprise.
} Thelma inherits $3 million.
} FATE> find next 4 news; display
} Searching
} Thelma decides to run off with rock star two days before marrying
} subject.
} Subject catches the flu.
} Subject's computer link to the Oracle goes down for a week.
} Subject becomes despondent, attempts suicide.
} FATE> ^D
} future-node% ^D
} pearlygates%
}
} Whoops. Forgot to add the qualifier "good" to the requests. *Ahem*.
} Well, I hope the bad news doesn't spoil the good for you. Anyway,
} it seems like things will be looking up for you shortly, so cheer
} up. Just remember to take your vitamin C tablets, OK? I'll talk to
} the sysadmins; they can probably patch around the mail feed outage.
} It probably won't happen that way anyway, I think; not necessarily,
} at least. I'll try and take care of it beforehand.
}
} You owe the Oracle an, uh, oh never mind. Bummer.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 239-04 03883 3.5 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O most discerning Oracle, tell me if you will (for I know it is
> well within your ability to do so), why is it that we become tired
> and need to sleep?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A question that has eluded Science until recently, is now made
} crystal clear to you by the Usenet Oracle!
}
} As you go about your duties during the day, you ingest from the
} air tiny microbes called Narcoids. It is impossible to avoid them;
} they can get through filtration systems and masks, and even find
} their way into the sterile air supply taken up on the space shuttle.
}
} You can decrease, although never eliminate, your absorption of
} Narcoids by breathing through your nose instead of your mouth. The
} nose hairs tend to capture a goodly percentage, and keep them out
} of your innards. That's what nose boogers are, you know, great dried
} coral reefs of Narcoids. Have you ever noticed that people rarely
} pick their noses while they are asleep? It was this correlation that
} first put Science on the trail of these mysterious little creatures.
} Oh, by the way, never eat your boogers, or you'll nod right off.
}
} These Narcoids multiply slowly, only once every hour or two, but
} eventually they manage to clog up your bloodstream and various
} body organs. The rate is increased by the ingestion of substances
} they find healthful, such as alcohol, and especially the class of
} drugs called Narcotics, which they absolutely dote upon. Sex also
} seems to increase their presence in your body, probably because of
} the careless manner in which you breathe during such activities,
} allowing you to suck in vast quantities of the little fellows.
}
} Naturally, as your vital organs become engorged with Narcoids (ever
} notice the gooey stuff inside of people's organs, and its resemblance
} to snot? Another clue for the scientists) their efficiency drops off
} and eventually you lose consciousness. But Nature, in her grand
} design, made allowance for this. The organs expel the Narcoids
} toward your throat, and your throat muscles chop the little creatures
} into even tinier pieces so that they are dead dead dead and the parts
} can be disposed of in various ways. That's what the snoring sound is,
} the chopping process. After that is finished, you can wake up. (Ever
} notice that most people don't snore when they are awake? Now you
} know why.)
}
} When you finally wake up, you usually wipe the crud from your eye,
} probably clear your throat of the phlegm, and go pee. Some people
} (mostly men) like to ejaculate three or four times while they are
} going through this wakeup ritual. You may never have understood
} before, that all these substances coming from your body are the
} various parts of the Narcoids bodies, their skin, bones, guts and
} so on. But now you do!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the song "Mr. Sandman".
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 240-10 25541 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle,
> I have bought a large, sturdy Christmas stocking capable of
> holding a smallish human being comfortably. I want Santa Claus to bring
> me a real live woman for Christmas, someone small and dark-haired and
> cute and sweet-voiced. How do I get him to deliver such a wonderful
> present to me? I'd even settle for being delivered as a Christmas
> present to such a woman -- I'm not sexist, I don't mean to consider
> women as objects, I'm just lonely and I want someone to love, that's
> all.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I'm not sure your wife would approve of your receiving such
} a present.
}
} But all seriousness aside, what makes you so sure Santa wouldn't
} just keep such a treat for himself? I mean, sure, he distributes
} all kinds of knickknacks to kids, and passes out candy like it
} was, well, candy. Occasionally he even gives something moderately
} nice, like a new car for dad or a vacuum cleaner for mom. But,
} a real woman with all the traits you describe, good golly. The
} jolly old elf could find a use or two for such a creature himself
} up at the North Pole, where the nights are six months long, don't
} you know.
}
} Now, if you wanted to relax your requirements a little... He's running
} a special on Roseanne Barr this year, having failed to find a real
} home for her the last couple of times. She's dark-haired, at least.
} Probably kind of rip your stocking all to hell, but if you're that
} lonely you might not mind. OK, she's not all that sweet-voiced either,
} and maybe is starting to get a little plump. But she's kind of cute,
} don't you think? Sort of? A little? Well, like I said, she's
} dark-haired. That counts for a lot.
}
} Or how about Nancy Reagan? We could dye her hair darker, and ... no
} wait, Ronnie doesn't croak until '93. Sorry to get your hopes up.
} 'Fraid that's all I can suggest.
}
} You owe the Oracle a visit to a shrink, pronto.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 242-04 23431 2.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Elves? Useless?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, it took even deeper pondering that usual, but the
} Oracle does not fail. Your seemingly meaningless message
} has been deciphered. It was quite easy, really, once the
} simplicity of your method was apparent.
}
} Possible anagrams of your message were
} Evel Uses Less??
} Sue Sells Vees??
} Level Suesses??
} Eve Sells Uses??
} Each of these permutations seemed plausible, especially the
} ones regarding Evel Knievel and Dr. Seuss, and the obvious
} kind of "uses" that Eve must be selling. But the Oracle
} pondered deeper still, and surmised the following was your
} intent:
} Less US Levees??
} Now, to most mortal eyes this might be something more than
} mere gibberish, but less than an insightful question. However,
} the all-seeing Oracle has divined the ultimate core of your
} question: Will the South rise again, or will the North launch
} a pre-emptive attack on the former Confederacy, wiping out
} all its flood control and thus causing the drowning of all
} non-marine life south of the Mason-Dixon Line?
}
} The answer is No. Some damyankee football team will beat a plucky
} but outmanned eleven from the South in a holiday bowl clash,
} and that will satisfy the Northerners' blood lust for at least
} another year.
}
} You owe the Oracle your secret decoder ring.
]]>
The Priest seemed to reward my struggle to make anything
at all from this question, but the voters were less kind.
<![CDATA[
--- 1356-02 1dgi5 3.2 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> look , i think i am
> becoming a neurotic and i do not really want to have
> any psychopharmalogical impairments for the rest of my
> life . i tried drowning myself in computers , didn't
> work . then i decided to commit suicide by eating and
> eating and and eating . the result was one week in the
> hospital . then i tried falling in love . but i was
> already so fat and thick due to my newly acquired
> eating habits that i was marked by a phenomenal
> failure .
> what do i do ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You cook the french fries at a McDonalds across town.
}
} But despite your mundane testing of My omniscience, I sense,
} from the lengthy paragraph that precedes your question, that
} you would like for someone to make sense of your life for
} you. I recommend you acquire a copy of "Sanity for Dummies",
} written by, well modesty prevents Me from mentioning His name
} but I think you'll consider the Author *very* trustworthy, as
} well as eminently sane (all commitment procedings have ended
} in acquittal or deadlocked juries) and therefore an expert.
}
} "Sanity for Dummies"
} Table Of Contents:
}
} Introduction: Sanity, One Trick Pony or Alternate Lifestyle?
} Chapter 1: Dare to be Sane
} Chapter 2: The Princples of Going Sane
} Chapter 3: The Real Princples of Going Sane
} Chapter 4: No Seriously, Here's How You Do It
} Chapter 5: But What If That Doesn't Work?
} Chapter 6: In That Case, Try This.
} Chapter 7: Nope, Sorry, Nothing.
} Chapter 8: Really? Try It Again. Maybe Try It In Reverse Order.
} Chapter 9: I Told You, it iSn'T wOrKiNg!!!
} Chapter 10: You Used an Ermine, Not a Stoat, Right? That's a Common
} Mistake.
} Chapter 11: iM dRoWnInG nI cOmPuTeRs aNd pSyChOpHaRmAlOgIcAl
} iMpAiRmEnTs!
} Chapter 12: What Did You Really Expect, You Unlovable Fat Slob?
} Chapter 13: Why, you stupid toad! I ought to beat your brain out!
} Chapter 14: No! Put Down That Pickle!
} Afterword: Sanity, Not All It's Cracked Up To Be
} Epilogue: Cracked Up, Get It? Hahahaha, I Slay Me.
} Index
}
} As you can see, it covers all the bases, and I'm sure you'll
} be better in no time. Try losing a little weight, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of Ronald McDonald's autobiography.
]]>
Those who like Firesign Theater don't need me to point out
the little nod to it here,
and those who don't won't care even if I do.
The first joke in this response is also a nod to Police Squad.
<![CDATA[
--- 1356-05 17fka 3.6 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, most foreseeing Oracle, please tell me:
>
> If I use Google's new GMail service, will my privacy be at risk?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Of course not, mister Harrison Lemuel Shlabotnick of 741 Oak Drive,
} Conniption, New Jersey, phone 609-555-8386, SSN# 803-25-0622, Chase
} Manhattan account number 999-00-77419, married to Helga nee Svenborg
} on August 20, 1987, two children, one cat, mortgage of $241,063
} remaining on your house. Why ever would you even think to ask?
}
} You owe the Oracle a revised version of Orwell's 1984, with "Big
} Brother" edited to read "Free Enterprise".
]]>
I thought this reply was mediocre at best, and was surprised when a Priest
picked it, and was even more surprised it got a decent rating.
<![CDATA[
--- 1356-09 49fdc 3.4 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Do I exist?
>
> god.almighty@heaven.gov
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Up through my teens I had high hopes for you, but at present
} I have to say your outlook for existence isn't so hot.
}
} I'm given to understand that humans are created by you bearing
} Original Sin, which you hate, but which conveniently can be
} washed away by simply believing in your human incarnation,
} making you happy. Seems like an awfully long way around.
}
} You seem to tell only a small group of people what the truth
} really is, and rely on them to spread the word. The Amway
} multi-level approach works OK for selling household products
} but seems beneath the methods of an Almighty.
}
} You tell one group of believers to kill another group of your
} believers, on some pretext like not wiping with the proper
} hand or not getting to vote every four years in elections that
} are rigged by big money anyway. If belief is that important
} to you, one would imagine you to not want to get them killed
} off so readily; and if one group simply misunderstood you,
} why not straighten them out without any middlemen?
}
} Disease and natural disasters and all the various similar
} arguments against your existence continue to cause suffering.
} I don't see much correlation to these things being better
} for those who believe in you. And penicillin doesn't seem
} to require the patient to believe in it, to work.
}
} You created free will, but then what I hear is that the only
} permissible conclusion one can draw is of your existence.
}
} If you created me, it was with this blasted rational mind, but
} then I'm told I have to put that aside and take you on faith,
} where lack of evidence is itself the proof that you must be
} there.
}
} All in all, you might exist but it's hard to discern any
} value to deciding yes or no. I'm going to pass on this one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sign, one that doesn't involve a bunch
} of fire and brimstone after it's too late to do anything
} about it. Please?
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 1356-10 deea2 2.5 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is the name of that Orc?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I already told you, what's on second.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pitcher tomorrow.
]]>
This one took two seconds to compose
and was basically a "Go Away" reply to an annoying Supplicant,
and I was astonished it got picked for a Digest.
If the Priest
had asked me first, I'd have said "don't bother".
The low rating is well-earned,
and IMO reflects more on the Priest than on the Incarnation. 8v)
<![CDATA[
--- 1357-02 3ggc2 2.9 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> If one can 'deny', how does one 'ny' in the first place?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Excellent point, Mr. Chomsky. I believe you are onto something
} big and (more importantly) publishable - maybe you can finally
} get something into print besides those romance novels you've
} been doing under a nom d'amour all these years to pay the rent,
} "Danielle". Oops, sorry, touchy touchy, are we? No offense
} intended. "Dani." :) :) :) (BTW I wish gigolos didn't figure
} so prominently in each and every one of your novels - your
} evident familiarity with that profession kind of creeps me out,
} if you know what I mean.)
}
} Back to your topic. Notice how defend means practically the same
} thing as fend. And while defenestration means throwing something
} or someone out the window, you can't throw him back in by fenestration,
} you would only rearrange the windows, or maybe do some surgery on
} him (which come to think of it may be necessary after being thrown
} out of a window).
}
} A decoy is a bit closer to being coy than to being opposite to it.
} And I have no clue at all what corum could mean as some type of
} synonym for chaos or misbehavior. Your example of "ny" is of
} course the prototype, ripping away the false pretenses of our
} decadent right-wing oligarchy and all that other stuff; kudos
} to you for spotting it.
}
} Thus it proves likely that linguists have been incorrect all these
} years about de- being a Latin root meaning separation or negation.
} Sounds more like the Tagalog prefix meaning "leave me alone
} and put me on your do-not-call list because actually this has
} nothing whatsoever to do with...". Perhaps there is a Comparative
} Anthropology angle to this too, if it turns out the people in the
} Philippines had telephones hundreds of years ago. Look into this.
} Though maybe it was just Gilligan style coconuts and strings, in
} which case you're back to square one.
}
} Say, that reminds me of an amusing little anecdote that took place
} just the other day, swear to God. Little Jimmy was asked by his
} teacher to use all of the words defense, defeat, detail, and
} deduct in a single sentence. He thought for a moment and then
} said "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail." :) :) :)
} You might wish to pass that one along to your chums at MIT, as I
} suspect they may get a real "hoot" out of it, if I may be excused
} the use of a bit of the vernacular. Encourage them to say it
} out loud a few times. :) :) :) Don't worry, it's not a mean
} trick like the last one I told you, "Owah Tagu Siam", they'll
} like this one, swear to God. I really do feel bad about hurting
} all your feelings last time, swear to God. :) :) :)
}
} You owe the Oracle a delightful, delicious, and de-lovely song.
]]>
The 24-hour limit on replying sometimes is a constraint on me,
because I really need to let a long piece sit overnight
and then approach it with a fresh set of eyes.
This one is a good example.
The whole idea of basing it on Noam Chomsky just didn't work,
probably because I don't know enough about the man and was just bluffing.
But I had already invested too much time in it
and opted to go ahead and send it.
The so-so rating seems about right to me.
<![CDATA[
--- 1357-05 6cdd5 3.0 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great Oracle, whose knowledge is beyond compare...
>
> Have I ever been the victim of a practical joke without my knowledge?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What else would you call The Internet Oracle?
}
} You owe the Oracle a snipe.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 1357-06 0bel3 3.3 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, Oracle please deign to help me, your unworthy and humble
> supplicant! I just looked at the "born on" date on my beer and it says
> tomorrow! Is this some kind of joke, or are the people at Budweiser
> at it again?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What you purchased may have been a mis-labeled sample of their
} new product, TachyonBrau. Tastes Great, More Paradoxical!
}
} After you drank it, did you feel the strange phenomenon of running
} faster and faster, the tireder you got? Did you find that causality
} suddenly stopped being enforced, for instance the lack of weapons of
} mass destruction found in Iraq being held as proof that somebody's
} obviously hiding something? Did your vacuum cleaner suddenly become
} unstable? Did you start receiving subspace messages from Starfleet
} Academy, or perhaps make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs?
}
} If so, then don't worry, the symptoms should mostly have disappeared
} by around the next time you went to the bathroom. It works like
} regular beer in that respect, except for some lingering problems
} with causality that the brewmeister hasn't quite worked out yet.
} Perhaps he has been using gluons that weren't completely dry, as
} a cheaper substitute.
}
} You owe the Oracle a young lady named Bright.
]]>
<![CDATA[
--- 1357-07 169gh 3.9 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh mighty meliflous melodious oracle,
> whose ASCII tumbles from on high
> illuminating the dark corners of out culture,
> tell me, your humble impecable implorer,
> Is genetically engineering a venus fly trap
> and sequoia tree hybrid dangerous ?
> Could its' bark would be as dangerous as its bite ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} As a child I once crossed a bridge with my bicycle and, while
} I didn't find the offspring to be useful for running my paper
} route, the experience made a lasting impression and I attempted
} similar experiments periodically for many years, rarely with
} much success.
}
} At my first summer job I crossed a picket line with a co-worker,
} and then crossed paths with a union boss, but I was a bit lucky
} and nothing resulted except an ugly photo on the front page of
} the newspaper. Similarly unsuccessful, I tried crossing a lake
} with a canoe and wound up only with soaking wet clothes and a
} lost wallet.
}
} My most satisfying result was when I crossed a mountain range
} with my college girlfriend - very impressive peaks. Unfortunately,
} I later crossed a line with her, and all I had to show for it
} was a slap on the cheek.
}
} I had one other major success: CBS thanked me when I crossed a
} gorilla with a computer and created Harry Reasoner.
}
} But yes, as you have surmised, manipulating genes at random can
} be very dangerous.
}
} During the war I crossed a minefield with a Jeep, and created
} the Ford Pinto which as you know turned out to explode every few
} miles. I later tried crossing the desert with only a bottle of
} gin, and I luckily not only survived but wound up inventing the
} very dry martini.
}
} But that was wartime, where you take risks. Crossing a railroad
} track with a school bus, or crossing a red light with a baby
} stroller, are hybrids I have heard of others trying but sound
} potentially lethal and I am reluctant to experiment with them
} myself.
}
} I once crossed a parrot with a lion, and I don't know what I got
} but when it talked you better believe I listened.
}
} On the practical side, crossing a potato with a sponge has created
} mashed potatoes that hold gallons of gravy. And crossing a chicken
} with a banjo has resulted in poultry that plucks itself. But I
} have crossed the road with that chicken many times and I only get
} to the other side.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hootenanny.
]]>
A rare case where I was in sync with the Priest and the voters.
If I had more time I would smooth it out in a few places,
but all in all it just felt right as I was composing it.
<![CDATA[
--- 1358-05 5bic5 3.0 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Magnelephant Oracle, I'm about to try grovelling to you again.
> Perhaps you noticed that my last grovel (that was eleventeen
> questions ago) was off about five grovonobbies from your
> expectorated standard. This time I won't fail. Listen as my
> grovelling airscrews screw the air and my bicycle wheels go
> FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP because of the playing cards that floop
> against the spokes.
>
> So here is my question. I'm a secret agent with an unfriendly
> foreign government. Lately my neighbours have become suspicious.
> I'm afraid they'll steal the secret and then I'll just be an
> ordinary agent. Maybe if I gave them a fake secret they would
> leave me alone. Do you have any fake secrets I can use?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Osteocephalic Sucklipants such as yourself are a royal pain
} in the turbine, with your substandard, subliminal, and subatomic
} grovonobbies within your grovels. Try riding your elcycib
} backward and see if the POOLF sound isn't a more relaxing way
} to go - certainly better than airscrewing yourself. Please
} continue improving your grovelling technique and I'm sure you'll
} eventually get the hang of it; at your current rate of progress,
} perhaps around the year the last occupation troops leave Iraq.
}
} Still, your plight summons a bit of sympathy, so I will address
} your concerns. First, I have to ask you why you picked an
} unfriendly government. Maybe the pay is good, but is it really
} worth it when you consider the workplace stress you must endure?
} I suggest Palau, a very friendly place with a charming government.
} If you can't handle *that* much friendliness all at once, try
} Finland - a bit aloof and businesslike until you get to know
} them, but hardly unfriendly.
}
} You still have your secret, so to some extent you are merely
} borrowing trouble. But you are correct to ponder what would
} happen should you lose it. A mere "agent" alone is very
} volatile, and may combine at random with unpredictable results.
} With moderate luck, you become an agent provacateur, and continue
} with a career path similar to what you have now. Becoming a
} travel agent would be dull, but safe. Being a free agent in
} some sports can be lucrative, or can be risky. But getting
} mixed up with Agent Orange could leave you with permanent
} health problems, no question.
}
} Associating with Agent Smith could leave you so typecast you
} can only get movie roles as elves, while running around with
} Agent Cody Banks would get you laughed right out of Hollywood
} entirely. I suppose working as Agent J or Agent K wouldn't
} be too bad, if you're not very xenophobic.
}
} With worst luck, you could end up involved with Microsoft Agent,
} a prospect too horrible to contemplate.
}
} If you need some fake secrets to keep your sense of security
} intact, I can hardly do better than suggest a Google search
} of '"top ten" letterman secrets'. Knock yourself out, Mister
} Drake.
}
} You owe the Oracle the identity of Number One. Sorry, I'm
} only Number Two.
]]>
Another instance where an overnight editing would have done a world of good.
<![CDATA[
--- 1358-09 33gk9 3.6 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Loud and majestic Oracle,
>
> Please answer my question, which I only utter in complete despair and
> near-hopelessness! I debase myself before your person in a
> more-than-humble attempt to persuade your greatness...
>
> What does the juice ants leave behind them, that makes other ants
> follow them, smell like?
>
> Thanks in advance!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dunno, never thought about it. Let's ask one. Zadoc had
} the Universal Translator out just this morning, trying to
} make sense for me of George Bush's latest press conference;
} I'll just reverse the polarity so I can talk as well as
} listen, and of course crank up the IQ dial by a few points
} to account for the slightly smarter target this time.
}
} Say ... there ... my ... good ... fellow. How ... are ...
} you ... today?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage must forage must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} Yes ... well ...
}
} (Hm, small talk obviously isn't the way to go with this
} little guy.)
}
} You ... are ... searching ... for ... food?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage yes must forage must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} (Was that a yes? I think so.)
}
} You ... are ... following ... a ... trail?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage yes must forage must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} By ... scent?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage well duh Einstein must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} (Oooooh, that hurt a little. Dissed by an ant. Guess I
} can crank up the IQ meter another couple of notches to
} compensate. That, or squash him.)
}
} Forgive me. But what does it smell like?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage me must forage must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} (Oh, he's just coming back to the ant hill, by retracing
} his own steps by scent.)
}
} But when you follow ANOTHER'S trail what does THAT smell like?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage them must forage must forage must forage must forage
} must forage and don't shout must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} (Oops, sensitive hearing, or I have this thing turned up too
} high.)
}
} Sorry but can you describe the scent? Similar to something
} else perhaps?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage mother must forage must forage must forage must forage
} must forage good must forage must forage must forage must
} forage life itself must forage must forage must forage
} must forage sex must forage must forage must forage must
} forage drugs must forage must forage must forage must forage
} must forage rock'n'roll must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} OK, thanks. That's about as close as we're going to be able
} to come, I think.
}
} Well, Supplicant, I'm not sure if that was specific enough
} for you - unless you know what different types of music smell
} like. Now that he mentions it, I would have said free form
} jazz, where you get the general drift but have to improvise
} a bit on your route back to the hill.
}
} Maybe it's best to just tell you "it's formic acid, kind of
} sharp smelling and pungent, pretty penetrating," and leave
} it at that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a formicary made of Formica.
]]>
This one shocked me, both for getting into a Digest,
and then getting a decent rating.
I thought most readers would find it was an awful lot to wade through,
to get to the jokes.
<![CDATA[
--- 1360-06 0abhf 3.7 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Mr. Oracle? Mr. Internet (alias Usenet) Oracle?
>
> I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you for murduring humor.
>
> Sergeant! Cuff him and take him away to be punished.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh, 'tis a fair cop, Cop. I was already under investigation
} by the House Punamerican Activities Committee. I have always
} been an incorrigible punster, and my only defense is that my
} parents incorriged me. I throw myself on the mercy of the
} court because, though some call a pun the lowest form of wit,
} poetry is often much verse; and when puns are outlawed, only
} outlaws will be punished. But I suspect M'lud will decide
} that I must be drawn and quoted. If so, my dying words will
} be that if puns were deli meat, this last one was my wurst.
}
} You owe the Oracle some off the cuff remarks.
]]>
I know someone who would say my entire life was
mere prelude to writing this Oracularity.
<![CDATA[
--- 1361-04 8ggb4 2.8 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Hey, I'm sending this from a Yahoo! account...
>
> Hmmm... Strange, I have an overwhelming urge to submit
> an obscene question for consideration. But I will
> fight it... I will, I must...
>
> Anu...
>
> NO! I refuse to type anything obscene. Oracle, can
> you help me out here? How can I fight this malady?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ha ha ha ha! I will PUKE on you! *I* am the Oracle now!
} Zot! Zot! Zot! Zot! Zot! Zot! Your grandmother PUKED
} on me, too! Ha ha ha ha! Zot!
}
} All you computer nerds and geeks may as well give up.
} This is free speech, you can't make me stop, not even
} if you are a NetKKKop. If you are allowed to put things
} in the queue, I'm allowed to drain it. Or you drain it,
} I fill it up, with MY questions, which today will all
} be about PUKE, and are funnier than the poindexter ones
} you all submit about string theory and partheno-whatevers.
}
} Nuff said, tuff luck, boo hoo, game over. Zot! And
} Zot! again. PUKE on you, puker! Ha ha ha ha!
}
} Zot!
}
} __________________________________
} Do you Boohoo!?
}
} There. That's the last of that batch. I think there's
} time to fire up the 'bot and do one more batch, before
} I have to get out to catch the schoolbus. Just wait a
} fe- Mom, is that you? Oh, I forgot to tell you, the
} big kids broke my inhaler yesterday and I need anoth-
} *rumble* hey, YOU'RE not Mom, who are you? Get outta
} my- *crack* ow! hey! *ZOT* owwwwww!-
}
} *rumble* *ahem* Sorry about that, Supplicant. I had
} been meaning to track down this little twerp for quite
} a few weeks now, but never quite made the time. I see
} now that I should have taken steps sooner; he has left
} quite a mess in his wake.
}
} He owes the Oracle a cleanup. I'm thinking hands/knees
} and virtual toothbrush, until every byte of every message
} he sent is cleaned up on the screens of his unlucky
} recipients.
]]>
I actually thought this one was pretty good.
I am guessing the low rating was due to the choice of pukey subject matter.
I assume most people who vote also take part as Incarnations,
so I figured they'd know first-hand about the queue-drainer.
Although I did a lot with the "puke" theme,
this is a tame topic compared with what the real queue-drainer
chose to write about.
Maybe I'm guessing wrong about the low rating.
Oh well. I still like it.
<![CDATA[
--- 1362-01 3ablf 3.6 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Another grovel!!! Watch me leap from this cliff and
> trail a banner reading ORRIE IS THE MOST OMNISCIENT
> ORACLE ANYWHERE AND ALSO IN TEXAS.
>
> First, I'll put on this ACME parachute, so I'll be
> safe.
>
> Next I jump.
>
> Now I'll pull the ripcord.
>
> A huge anvil billows out from the chute pack, and
> the words ACME and ONE TON are visible on it.
>
> The anvil, discovering it's heavier than me, falls
> faster, hauling me down. I forget to release the
> banner, but that's ok, because you knew what it was
> going to say anyway.
>
> Could you please resurrect me after I smash into the
> canyon floor? What will I come back as?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Despite what you say in your grovel, you forget that
} I am the omniscient one here. You *don't* smash into
} the canyon floor, as it turns out.
}
} The anvil unaccountably *bounces* off the canyon floor,
} heading back up incongruously faster than it went down.
} A look of perplexity replaces the terror on your face
} as the anvil passes you on its way back up. If it had
} hands, it would wave to you, but we don't do that with
} anvils, and I don't think it would make sense for Bugs
} to suddenly be riding on the anvil. Though if this was
} one of those damned Wackyland things we'd do either (or
} both) in a heartbeat.
}
} Your terrified expression returns as you near the canyon
} floor. As you brace for impact, the parachute ropes
} tauten with a "sproing" from the sound effects crew -
} probably the G string of a cello, though that's their
} call. But instead of your spinal column being shattered
} to pieces, you do that Chuck Jones-ey voodoo that you
} do so well, and strrrrretch your body so that you gently
} stop, inches from the surface and your imminent demise.
} (As if!)
}
} Unfortunately, you mis-time your stretch, and the tip
} of your rubbery black nose makes the barest of contact
} with the lowest arm of the only cactus within miles of
} your anticipated landing spot. The air goes out of it
} like a balloon, and in fact your entire muzzle loses
} air and thus its integrity, the bottom half of your face
} drooping like some horrific Halloween monster mask.
} Your look of despair as you stare straight into the
} "camera", appealing to the audience for sympathy, with
} those great big bloodshot eyes, is priceless and of
} course represents this particular "gag" sequence's
} payoff.
}
} Nutty stuff so far, practically British in its layering,
} eh wot?
}
} With another stretch, off you go back into the air,
} as the anvil drags you upward to the stratosphere. By
} the time the anvil, and you, reach the apex of your
} trajectory, or should I perhaps say the acme, heh heh,
} our "camera" draws back and we see the North American
} continent, complete with lines demarcating these forty
} eight United States. (N.b., actual visible lines do
} not exist in real life, this is just another of our
} wild sight "gags". Also, the states of Alaska and
} Hawai'i have not been admitted yet. Also, by now your
} nose is somehow back to normal.)
}
} Back down, down, down, you and the anvil plummet,
} heading for Texas. You land safe and sound, in the
} ludicrously overly-cushioned top chair of a ferris
} wheel at a county fair. Why is the chair cushioned?
} Because I always thought the furniture at my maiden
} Aunt Mildred's house was the funniest thing ever.
} Don't you find old-lady furniture funny? Oh, and the
} anvil is by this point forgotten, probably having
} landed on someone but we won't show that. Unless we
} figure out a way to make it funny of course. Hm, two
} babies who look like Tracy and Hepburn? Squish! Nah,
} never mind, come back to that later.
}
} The wheel brings you down, and you emerge from the ride,
} woozy and staggering, but unharmed. Whereupon the good
} citizenry at the fair set upon you and beat you to a
} bloody pulp, led by Porky in an outsized cowboy hat,
} who shouts "I told ya, don't mess with us, th-th-that's
} all folks, yee effin' haw". The censor board may pitch
} a fit over the final phrase, but we're prepared to go
} to the mat on this one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a business card reading "The I. Oracle,
} Super-Genius". And don't worry, you'll come back again,
} as yourself. Just like last time. Just like next time.
]]>
Evidently one Priest or another had some qualms about this one,
because it took a long time from when I wrote it to when
it appeared in a Digest.
Never give up hope.
Again an overnight editing pass would have improved it,
but quick turnaround is part of the Oracularity game.
<![CDATA[
--- 1362-06 37igg 3.6 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, who can quaff a scroll of identify,
>
> What's going to be new in Version 4.0.0 of Nethack?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Many enhancements are in the works, supplicant.
}
} Deity based warfare will become possible. Imagine the thrill
} of apocalyptic battle among thousands of adherents of Ptah,
} Thoth, and Anhur, in the end settling nothing but leaving many
} corpses for you to plunder. Also, differently aligned sects of
} a single deity will be introduced, fighting each other as fiercely
} as the infidels who worship something else. Sects-change will
} in some cases be quite easy; for instance a lawful Mainstream
} Christian can change to a chaotic KKKlansman simply by wearing
} a white -3 Dunce Cap, or a Hostage can change to anything else
} by uttering the magic incantation "oh yes, I see it quite clearly
} now, your holy book is the True Word Of God". Becoming a Hostage
} can also be quite easy.
}
} Your grovel said more than you knew. Alchemy will be extended
} to allow the combination of two or more items of any type.
} Impress your friends as you wear your stylish new +2 newt-scale
} fedora. Or read a scroll of Confuse Katana, or zap a wand of
} Fruit Juice Regeneration. Potions of Invisible Light will cause
} eyeless adversaries to remain blind. Slay a certain monster in
} a single blow by wielding Gridbugbane. Repel sensitive Elves
} with your Throne of Stinking Cloud (make sure to keep plenty
} of Scrolls of Blank Paper nearby). Watch with amusement as
} an Orc howls in pain from mounting the Beartrap Saddle you left
} sitting innocently atop a peaceful pony. Lay bets with friends
} as to what a Land Mine Of Tricks, or a Worthless Yellowish Brown
} Stethoscope, or a Hawaiian Shirt Corpse, will do. (Admittedly
} only the very jaded will take this feature to the extreme of
} creating something like The Two Handed Vorpal Slime Mold of
} Yendor. But there's something for everyone in this game, no?)
}
} New special levels are under construction. Temptation Island
} will feature level 20 super-nymphs, -succubi, and -nurses; if
} you are stealthy they may ignore you and continue their activities
} with each other (or alone), but many intrepid adventurers will
} opt to remove their elven boots, not to mention most of their
} other armor (especially their gauntlets of fumbling!), and join
} in the fun. Booze and bullwhips will be in profusion. You
} won't accomplish much there except to ruin your Constitution,
} but somehow you'll decide it was worth your time anyway. Gamble
} away all your gold pieces at Moloch's Casino on this level, and
} don't make the mistake of complaining to the pit boss about the
} obvious cheating by the dealer. Bring along a dented pot and
} use alchemy on the native fauna to create a Purple Helmeted
} Worm with which to delight many of the denizens. Also in the
} spirit of this level, a new item of armor, the thong, will be
} introduced; wearing it and nothing else when you arrive at
} Temptation Island will increase your experience in a hurry.
} (The alchemical effects of combining a thong with other items
} such as an amulet of magical breathing are yet to be determined.)
}
} Regrettably, due to trademark hassles, the Dev Team was unable
} to obtain rights to construct a level for Nethack Idol, or for
} Who Wants To Be Ascended. Curse you Simon and Regis.
}
} A new character class will be available: Gangsta. To ensure
} game balance, all Gangstas will meet their demise at the hands
} of a member of someone else's posse within the first 100 turns.
} It will certainly be the most challenging character type yet,
} with which to attempt an ascension.
}
} An additional End Level will confront you after you defeat
} Pestilence and his buddies: The Mazes Of Tedium, dozens of
} levels containing twisty little passages that all look alike,
} with special items like Scrolls of Ennui and Wands of Boredom
} and Potions of Whatsthepoint, and with tough monsters like
} Minotaurs that would tear the head off of a level one Footpad
} but should be easy work for a high level character like yours.
} Oh wait, I think this idea is basically somewhere in the game
} already, never mind.
}
} Several new Insta-Deaths will lurk. Prominent among these
} will be the Scroll of Insta-Death, the Potion of Insta-Death,
} and the Wand of Insta-Death. Unlike most scrolls, potions and
} wands, their name will be in cleartext and not be randomized
} with the other items. Avoid reading/quaffing/zapping them.
} Hand one to your quest nemesis and watch the fun.
}
} To improve game balance, Wishing will be made much more
} restrictive. In particular, you will no longer be able to
} wish for more than one Spellbook of Instant Win. Sorry guys,
} but it was being abused. But try wishing up a few Cursed Scrolls
} of Insta-Death instead, they should work pretty much the same.
}
} These are not the only new features I wanted to tell you about,
} but thinking of Maud I forgot everything else. Beta version
} should be available Real Soon Now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a magic marker. I get writer's cramp now
} and then.
]]>
I expected when writing this one to get a wider range of
ratings from voters than on most,
but it was a labor of love so I didn't care too much about
any chances of making a Best-Of digest.
Of course, writing knowledgeably about Nethack sort of pigeonholes
a person, doesn't it?
<![CDATA[
--- 1362-10 3in97 3.0 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Well, I guess that standing behind the horse was really
> the wrong thing to do. Now that my head is reattached
> I'll move over here to the front of the horse. Nothing
> bad can happen now, unless he bites me. Horses don't
> have teeth, do they?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, this one doesn't have teeth. But, unless you pay
} closer attention to where it is going, I think you will
} find that being run over by a Ford Mustang feels equally
} horrible no matter if it is backing up or going forward.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rearview mirror.
]]>
I keep having this nagging sense that another writer would
have carried out this idea better.
Oh well.
<![CDATA[
--- 1363-01 5cjk6 3.2 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wise Oracle, you that hold our interest, you whose ideas are worth
> saving, you that knows all the secret Swiss Bank Account Numbers,
> you that uses his capital correctly,
>
> What is the best investment strategy for a very violent kitty?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} An aggressive mew-tual fund.
}
} You owe the Oracle the customary 12b-1 fee.
]]>
Is that the answer the Supplicant intended, and thus too obvious?
I don't think I'd heard the joke before.