WHAT ARE SOME OF ANN'S VIEWS?
Things
that matter in the world.
DOES ANN LIKE QUOTES?
"The Christian resolution to find the world ugly
and bad has made the world ugly and bad." ~Friedrich Nietzsche.
"What you do speaks so loud that I can't hear what
you say." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson.
"In nature there are neither rewards nor
punishments - there are consequences." ~Robert G. Ingersoll.
"Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to
hang on to." ~Delores Claiborn, 1998.
"Let me be a free man.
Free to travel. Free to stop.
Free to work. Free to choose my own teachers.
Free to follow the religion of my fathers.
Free to think and talk and act for myself."
Chief Joseph,
Nez Perce Indian Tribe
"The fact that a belief has a good moral effect
upon a man is no evidence whatsoever in favor of its truth." ~Bertrand
Russell
"You only have power over people as long as you
don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of
everything he's no longer in your power -- he's free again." ~Nobel
Prize-winning author Alexander Solzhenitsyn
"Moral excellence comes about as a result of
habit. We become just by doing just acts, temperate by doing temperate
acts, brave by doing brave acts." ~Aristotle
WHAT DOES ANN FIND AMUSING?
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
CHURCH BULLETIN BLUNDERS
a.. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
b.. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
c.. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
d.. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
e.. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
f.. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
g.. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
h.. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
i.. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
j.. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
k.. Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.
l.. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
m.. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
n.. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
o.. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
p.. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
q.. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
r.. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
s.. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
* On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Page created on 6 July 2001. Last updated 19 October 2005.